cross roads again

Ironically, life becames 'harder'the longer one became a believer. Yes, it will be the case for most relationship as one becomes more familiar with your friend's  habits, the relationship will reach a more comfortable level. I thought I've passed a number of tests that the Lord  had posed to me but however, the tests seems to get harder and harder. Recently, my cross weighs too heavy and there are many days when I felt I can't '' carry 'it and 'walk' further.

I thank God for moulding me to be less anxious about uncertainty over the years . However, embracing uncertainty is not natural to me. I am thankful that my career door was suddenly shut recently. I felt so relieved and happy( unlike the last episode with the ex boss from hell)  that my burden was lightened. K did not have compassion which I  thought should be the key trait given the industry we were in. Since, my mum passed away  months ago, I struggled dealing with deceased cases as it always rub salt on my wound when I heard others describe about their beloved family death. But nevertheless, I continued to do my job professionally  despite the pain and grief. Despite my efforts, K felt I did not put in my best and gave me the ultimatum  recently. Many days, I asked myself how long I need to work under such an uninspiring  boss? My dad was unwell and I became the caregiver since mum 's demise and it's become more challenging to squeeze time for job search. Alas... I'm glad that God shut the door that he opened for me ( I did not applied for this job).

Despite the office politics and it was not a great place to work in unlike my last stay with the non profit organisation, I'm thankful to have learned new things like learning how to manage and survive  the 'interior' bitches haahh  ( I'm blessed that I've never met such colleague in my career previously). The job supplied me with the funds for my new house and furnishings. K only talked to me after I've collected my bonus and the renovation was 'secretly' completed. yeh!

I thought I could have  a breather after I tendered . Alas, I was told that dad's condition had worsen. it pains me greatly to see him that he is losing weight despite my home cooked food. I have not seen my dad cried before except recently and it pains me to see a man's man cry.He would have to start on more aggressive treatment soon.. when can i go for my trips again?. I'm torn between my passion for travelling and caregiving.

It’s one thing to face the death of mum months ago and another to face yet another pending bad news of my dad. It felt like my wound has not healed yet and  it’s gonna get cut deeper again . I can only give grace to those Pharisees in my life provided that I receive it from the Lord.(i'm glad I don't have to deal with the pharisees at work anymore)'but other pharisees still exists in my life circle...  I no longer dwell on the why this happened to me ?( guess that's improvement since my last angry and fustrated response  toward God in the last grey season) the last round I’m sick of begging God to extend dad’s life. I’m sick of begging anyone for help . Perhaps u are just like the rest of the guys I’ve met this season . One more does not make a difference 

My biggest question is that I may leave church permanently this time if He didn't save dad and he passed away . How can the God of mercy take away my parent one after the other? I want my dad to have a different outcome from mum..

I

is the God of Isreal good or evil?

I thk life as a Christian gets harder the closer or longer you walk with the Lord. Dad was diagnosed with critical illness months ago and mum suddenly passed away last week . We were very focused on dad’s treatment that time and may have neglected mum. I did noticed she was losing appetite and weight. She frequently said that she was worried about dad so I thought it’s an anxiety issue. We tried to encourage her to eat more and she need  to let go and she needs to take care of herself so that she can care for dad. Despite that her condition did not improve. She went to see a specialist 3 months ago but her shortness of breath worsen and lose of appetite did not improve . 

A week before she passed away , I found that her face looked very yellowish and insisted that she be admitted to hospital right away. As usual , she was very resistant but this time , I told her no matter wat,we are carrying her into the hospital by hook or by crook. My instinct was right,she was admitted to the intensive care unit a few hours after admission for closer monitoring.thankfully she was conscious during her stay in icu and can understand us when we talked to her. She improved for a couple of days. On thurs, I felt that her body feels cold when we left home . I also prayed for her healing and the Lord shalom to be upon her but the next morn, I got a call that the Doctors are trying to resuscitate her . When dad and me reached the ward , she had already passed on. 

Why Lord ? I was angry and disappointed. Why didn’t you heal her like you did to those people in the bible ? She didn’t even had a chance to get to know you! 

There are 2 upcoming time bombs that may increase my financial burden and I honestly do not know how can I handle it? It’s  huge ... more importantly , I want to complete my dream and vision, Lord u hear the desires of my heart didn’t you?!

Indeed the path get narrower n not many will stay with Him till the last days. I’m feeling the heat of The intense prosecution .The greatest I’ve had so far and I can’t see what's the next step ahead. Another time bomb exploded yet again today.

Yes you are the God that give me many things but you seem to take away more. What are you ? are you mercy and grace? are you a great pretender? 

There's no point in me feeling angry as I know I can't stop your Will which overrides everything. It will just make my health suffer. Perhaps this time there is no turning back once I decided that it's best i spend whatever time I have to do what my heart desires. What's the point in me sacrificing so much in many areas of my life? yes, you could take away my breath in a second and I seriously don't fear. I can only say that i made yet another mistake to believe you just like how some had betrayed/ take me for granted. That's ok since I'm human and I made mistakes so I pay for them. 

If this is outcome I get for trusting you, Lord. I shall repay those who repay evil for kindness the same way that I humanly can. I am not a saint. I do not need to worship anyone anymore. 

Perhaps there will be just one and only vision that i get from you which i do not comprehend since 2 years + ago. The only one which did not come to pass. It's ok , I can deal with that. I can dream new dreams. I don't bow down to those who deliberately make my life hell. If you really created me, Lord then you would know what another ''rock'' doesn't smoothen my ''rock'', it just makes it sharper!

It’s the 1^st day of 2018. My world is still a shade of grey and black. when will I reach the end of the tunnel?

My church said that 2017 is the year of the Jubilee, hence I was full of expectation. But from Jan till Dec 2017, all I saw was wave and wave of attacks, bad news channel. I wish I can change the channel . I also kept on asking God hey where is my Jubilee present, Lord? Days just flew by and there seems to be no ‘rainbow’in sight. I have already tried my best and stretched it, what more do you want ? I tried to stay in peace and rest but the evil one would not let me rest. There is no rest in my career, family and romance.

My dad fell sick and I’m trying my best to juggle work and family. It doesn’t help that most of my  colleagues are unfeeling and 2 faced and would push things to me. I’ve learned that to survive, I’ve to repay them with the same lesson they taught me. On the romance part, things are not working out as I could not accept someone who has commitment and integrity issues. I thank God that I saw through the façade. He did not deserve me. I later met a very charismatic guy in Nov but he did not respond. Sigh for a while, I thought he was my Jubliee present ….Towards the end of 2017, I was told that dad’s medical bills may be very huge. It didn’t help that my siblings are bad paymasters due to bad lifestyle choice. How could I shoulder the he bill by myself? Its one thing for them to pay me later for a bill which costs few hundred dollars versus one which costs few thousand per month. Plus I also have other financial commitments too…bigger ones in 2018…

The spiritual walk definitely becomes harder over time. I thought my faith was stronger after the last trial. but when multiple attacks came together, I felt its coming apart. Sorry God’ Im not able to show grace nor mercy to those evil people who prosecute me for no good reason. If I don’t get the supply then I don’t have any supply to give. I’m only human.

Maybe the only thing is that I’m still alive and sane despite the craziness that’s happening around me . How will we end this time round? Maybe I will leave for good as I don’t know why you the loving Abba left me for no good reason ? I still need to survive no matter what and most important I hate people who don’t keep promise. That applies to you too, Lord. You  made me so You should know it too.

Your doubts doesn’t stop God from loving you.

Your doubts doesn’t stop God from loving you.

I don’t understand why you love me so much ,God but I’m so touched. Back track to what happen to me about 12 months ago….

I just got my breakthrough in my career and I didn’t expect doubts to come fast and furious again so soon.  It has been 9 months since my skin allergy. I have not been able to sleep well these few days due to the itch plus cough too. My health seems to have taken a turn for the worse since my birthday /when I joined the new company. First it was the skin doctor, then the gynae , gp, what else is next God? Maybe I’m still in the trial and I’m unaware. Thank you for the job but F U for the many sickness. Is this your definition of an abundant life? It’s sickening. Tried as I might, health supplement, meditating on verses  doesn’t make it better. I’m tortured physically which brings about the mental war. If I don’t have health, I won’t be able to hold my job nor anything in life at all. What have I done to deserve 3 years of trial ? I value health more than my career. And I think this time round there may be no reconciliation with God.I cannot accept a pyscho definition of an abundant life.

Health struggles

Every night I’ve to apply 3 types of medication for my skin eczema. I wept as I saw the eczema got worse despite  seeing the specialist. He is the 4^th doctor I’ve seen. By the 2^nd consultation, I asked him whether is it possible to stop new spots from coming out and he gave me the hopeless look. I asked for oral medication but he said he can’t give me as mine is not serious enough. I was like how serious you want it to be? When I am totally covered with spots on all my skin?  New spots are sprouting and the existing red dots would grew and expand.  If this continues, I don’t think I want to go out anymore. I might as well stay home and rot till my death. How can I face others when I can’t even face myself.  To my horror, I saw some red spots on my face too. Those on my legs would ooze liquid  so I can’t imagine that happening on my face. Desperate, I contacted a sister in Christ and she recommended another specialist to me. It costs me a bomb but at least the doctor gave me medication. Things turned better and my eczema is finally under control after seeing 5 doctors. I’m so relieved that at least it was a problem that money can solved. I had heard of cases whereby people can’t get healed even after spending tons of money. 

            Then came the 2^nd wave, I was told by the doctor that I need to see another specialist ie the gynae for my heavy bleeding for further checks. My thoughts got darker like I might need to have an operation. I called my insurance agent to enquire and to my horror, only then I realised that I’ve to pay my bill first then claim. But what if it’s a 5 digit figure ? where do I get the funds to pay that? No one will help me even my own family.I was so overwhelmed that I decided to let go and focus on what I can do. It turns out that the gynae said just need to monitor and no surgery is required.

      The physical exhaustion from travelling many hours to and fro my new work place is taking the toil on me. Coupled with the need to adapt to new work culture, colleagues and boss and internal staff plus the need to relearn knowledge , I felt my load was too heavy and my back is ‘bending’.I’m physically and mentally burnt . I’m so unused to being scolded by my new boss Mr KD daily. I didn’t expect KD to behave in such a emo way. I thought male bosses would be more lenient towards the fairer sex. My fellow colleague ‘SC’ is more emo and I’ve to endure sudden bursts of emo on some bad days.I thought of resigning but I told myself ;I chose this job so I’ve to hold on to my choice no matter what.  Then I told myself that I’ve to detach my emotions during those episodes if I want to stay in the industry. I’m thankful that God brought an unexpected mentor just when I need it. A patient and gracious lady who guided me in my struggle. I may be an experienced worker but I’m after all new in this industry. Things are moving towards the brighter side.

I still need to see yet another specialist again in a few weeks time. But I know God is great and will never abandon me even when I thought of leaving Him many times. That’s unconditional love which not even earthly parents can give me. I don’t understand why you love me so much ,God but I’m so touched.

return of the doubts

The return of the doubts

I just got my breakthrough in my career and I didn’t expect doubts to come fast and furious again so soon.  It has been 9 months since my skin allergy. I have not been able to sleep well these few days due to the itch plus cough too. My health seems to have taken a turn for the worse since my birthday /when I joined the new company. First it was the skin doctor, then the gynae , gp, what else is next God? Maybe I’m still in the trial and I’m unaware. Thank you for the job but F U for the many sickness. Is this your definition of an abundant life? It’s sickening. Tried as I might, health supplement, meditating on verses  doesn’t make it better. I’m tortured physically which brings about the mental war. If I don’t have health, I won’t be able to hold my job nor anything in life at all. What have I done to deserve 3 years of trial ? I value health more than my career. And I think this time round there may be no reconciliation with God.I cannot accept a pyscho definition of an abundant life.

Health struggles

Every night I’ve to apply 3 types of medication for my skin eczema. I wept as I saw the eczema got worse despite  seeing the specialist. He is the 4^th doctor I’ve seen. By the 2^nd consultation, I asked him whether is it possible to stop new spots from coming out and he gave me the hopeless look. I asked for oral medication but he said he can’t give me as mine is not serious enough. I was like how serious you want it to be? When I am totally covered with spots on all my skin?  New spots are sprouting and the existing red dots would grew and expand.  If this continues, I don’t think I want to go out anymore. I might as well stay home and rot till my death. How can I face others when I can’t even face myself.  To my horror, I saw some red spots on my face too. Those on my legs would ooze liquid  so I can’t imagine that happening on my face. Desperate, I contacted a sister in Christ and she recommended another specialist to me. It costs me a bomb but at least the doctor gave me medication. Things turned better and my eczema is finally under control after seeing 5 doctors. I’m so relieved that at least it was a problem that money can solved. I had heard of cases whereby people can’t get healed even after spending tons of money.  

            Then came the 2^nd wave, I was told by the doctor that I need to see another specialist ie the gynae for my heavy bleeding for further checks. My thoughts got darker like I might need to have an operation. I called my insurance agent to enquire and to my horror, only then I realised that I’ve to pay my bill first then claim. But what if it’s a 5 digit figure ? where do I get the funds to pay that? No one will help me even my own family.I was so overwhelmed that I decided to let go and focus on what I can do. It turns out that the gynae said just need to monitor and no surgery is required.

      The physical exhaustion from travelling many hours to and fro my new work place is taking the toil on me. Coupled with the need to adapt to new work culture, colleagues and boss and internal staff plus the need to relearn knowledge , I felt my load was too heavy and my back is ‘bending’.I’m physically and mentally burnt . I’m so unused to being scolded by my new boss Mr KD daily. I didn’t expect KD to behave in such a emo way. I thought male bosses would be more lenient towards the fairer sex. My fellow colleague ‘SC’ is more emo and I’ve to endure sudden bursts of emo on some bad days.I thought of resigning but I told myself ;I chose this job so I’ve to hold on to my choice no matter what.  Then I told myself that I’ve to detach my emotions during those episodes if I want to stay in the industry. I’m thankful that God brought an unexpected mentor just when I need it. A patient and gracious lady who guided me in my struggle. I may be an experienced worker but I’m after all new in this industry. Things are moving towards the brighter side.

I still need to see yet another specialist again in a few weeks time. But I know God is great and will never abandon me even when I thought of leaving Him many times. That’s unconditional love which not even earthly parents can give me. I don’t understand why you love me so much ,God but I’m so touched.

God wants to give u good things to remember about Him .

Yes , God wants to give u good things to remember about Him .

God did not always act the same way as He does .Based on past experiences , He always produces instant miracles like helping me to speak to my brother in love few years ago . My brother had gotten the family into unnecessary trouble and stress for being insensible despite being an adult . I was angry for months and hoped he can just disappear from the face of the earth . But God helped me to speak to my brother in a gentle manner and he subsequently changed for the better .that night , I knew it's was not me talking to my brother but rather God using me as my anger was suddenly gone . I then had a revelation what it means to hate the sin but love the sinner .

I felt very bitter towards my parents when they were not understanding when my career was unstable and hence unable to contribute to the household for about 2 years. I was the only child who  faithfully and regularly contributed to the household since I graduated .My siblings only gave as and when they wished . Yet my parents were resentful when I stopped giving though they don't lack provision .It didn't help that they don't encourage me but rather condemn me during that period. People said that it's the Asian parents' tough love but I think it's bad for the child's soul . I find it extremely hard to forgive as I thought the family should have been more supportive during that period . But God gave me a verse and I was able to forgive them in an instant . I wont be able to do that on my own strength. Only God can unlock a deadlock and not condemn me for being unable to forgive .

However , recently I realized that sometimes God will do it in steps instead of instantly . He upgrade my salary in 2 steps unlike previously .
In 2014 , I got an instant job offer from a hospital . That was amazing as it never happen to me before . Prior to the interview , I was meditating on ' only God can produce amazing results ' after hearing Joel Osteen's  's sermon . 

 

 

 I rem that it was the same lady who interviewed me few years ago as she is a very nice person  and we totally click . I was very happy to be able to work with her finally . However , the subsequent negotiation with the HR department didn't go well and I rejected the offer .I was disappointed with God and wondered why it turned out this way . I asked Him why can't higher pay and passion go together ?am I destined to have a lower than market rate pay ?  I don't think He should be confined by such things ...

I later gotten another perm job with a higher salary .I left subsequently as the industry was not something I'm passionate about ....  I felt even lower as the trial was getting much longer than I expected . I'm mentally and physically exhausted .

 

Few months later , I got a very good job offer in the industry that I'm passionate about . It's higher than my expected pay .I didn't expect to get a very good offer plus an industry I love and also good bosses . Wow I finally gotten all that I wanted . Don't give up on your dreams even when the battle gets too hard . Quote from Jo’s  book : satan will hit you very hard when he knows you are getting to your next level of destiny soon . The storm is very big but our God is bigger .He is faithful even though I'm losing faith and thinking of leaving church if I don't get a perm job by jul 2015 . God answered my prayer request in July 2015 ( coincides with my birthday month ) . Yes just like Jo said , God wants us to have  milestones that reminds us of Him . Have a 'break out! '

Only God can create A new creation

 

Only God can create A new creation 

Call it human stubborn ways but it's very hard for you to even change yourself . I would say that I wouldn't be a new creation if not for the trial of 2 years of career tsunami  . It's very painful but in retrospect , I realized that my comfort zone had expanded so much as well as my growth . 

I used to be a planner and I hate to have disruptions in my schedule . If there is any changes , I will replan again . There were numerous last minute changes during these period and I was every frustrated . My plan b,c,d,e all didn't work out . Looks like God's will and mine were very different.

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Yes , I wrestle with God just like Jacob . Finally I gave up as I became  weary just like all the men in the bible .I also thought that I had high endurance level but looks like all humans fail ultimately no matter how strong you think you are . When I reached my highest level of frustration , I just gave up on planning altogether .I guess it's God teaching me to live day by day . It's not easy as its against my nature to plan . I later realized that planning is actually a form of ' control ' . It's definitely not easy to completely surrender that to God as I value my career a lot  and it seems that God was not helping me during that season . There were numerous strange bad things that happened to me . I begged Him for help ; I demanded His help as his child but nothing was happening . Things didn't improve and it actually worsen . In my darkest moment , I told God 'it's simpler if you just stop my heart beat rather than torture me ' but I won't entertain suicide thoughts . 

Subsequently , I also realized that there were consequences to not planning  at all . I developed a new approach ie have a short term plan with long term view and flexibility . I figured that I can't override God's will , it's no point trying to fight that battle . I planned whenever there was a need to using whatever information that I had at that time . That reduced my frustrations greatly .

I also came across a book by the great C.s Lewis ' a grief observed ' . A quote goes ' it's easy to trust a rope when you used it to tie something but its hard to trust it when you are using that to save yourself or someone else ' it's only when the stakes are very high then you discover how strong is your faith . I used to think I am very committed to God but when the storm gets too big , there were numerous times that I felt like walking away like the disciple Peter did . I was ashamed but  I also realized how human I was . I have never seen that part of me before .but I tell myself don't judged myself like Judas who killed himself subsequently after he betrayed Jesus . Maybe I could be like Peter who reconciled with Jesus later . ....

I also changed from being too emotional to being less so . I learned from past experiences  that being too emotional was not good but at the same time , I can't remove it totally as that's what made me me ; my identity . Rational friends would tell me that it's not good to be emotional and I agree to some extent but removing that totally would mean I ' lose ' myself and that's scary . I came across a psychology  book that states that in order to survive one needs both ie logic plus emotions . Emotions are important as they are the ' inner compass ' when you are ' lost ' . I'm glad that emotions are not less important than logic . Indeed when the 2 cooperate , it's a formidable combination .I’m glad that I've become a better version of myself and not a totally different person . I finally had a revelation what it means to be a new creation . 

 

I am thankful that the storm is over . In retrospect , I wouldn't be able to become a new creation without the intense trial . Throughout the storm I kept on asking God : if u are peace , love , mercy and grace then deliver it by actions not just words . I just can't let go of that as that's the reason why I became a believer initially . He did delivered through actions in the end . please refer to my post on 22/7 /15.