Only God can create A new creation

 

Only God can create A new creation 

Call it human stubborn ways but it's very hard for you to even change yourself . I would say that I wouldn't be a new creation if not for the trial of 2 years of career tsunami  . It's very painful but in retrospect , I realized that my comfort zone had expanded so much as well as my growth . 

I used to be a planner and I hate to have disruptions in my schedule . If there is any changes , I will replan again . There were numerous last minute changes during these period and I was every frustrated . My plan b,c,d,e all didn't work out . Looks like God's will and mine were very different.

.

Yes , I wrestle with God just like Jacob . Finally I gave up as I became  weary just like all the men in the bible .I also thought that I had high endurance level but looks like all humans fail ultimately no matter how strong you think you are . When I reached my highest level of frustration , I just gave up on planning altogether .I guess it's God teaching me to live day by day . It's not easy as its against my nature to plan . I later realized that planning is actually a form of ' control ' . It's definitely not easy to completely surrender that to God as I value my career a lot  and it seems that God was not helping me during that season . There were numerous strange bad things that happened to me . I begged Him for help ; I demanded His help as his child but nothing was happening . Things didn't improve and it actually worsen . In my darkest moment , I told God 'it's simpler if you just stop my heart beat rather than torture me ' but I won't entertain suicide thoughts . 

Subsequently , I also realized that there were consequences to not planning  at all . I developed a new approach ie have a short term plan with long term view and flexibility . I figured that I can't override God's will , it's no point trying to fight that battle . I planned whenever there was a need to using whatever information that I had at that time . That reduced my frustrations greatly .

I also came across a book by the great C.s Lewis ' a grief observed ' . A quote goes ' it's easy to trust a rope when you used it to tie something but its hard to trust it when you are using that to save yourself or someone else ' it's only when the stakes are very high then you discover how strong is your faith . I used to think I am very committed to God but when the storm gets too big , there were numerous times that I felt like walking away like the disciple Peter did . I was ashamed but  I also realized how human I was . I have never seen that part of me before .but I tell myself don't judged myself like Judas who killed himself subsequently after he betrayed Jesus . Maybe I could be like Peter who reconciled with Jesus later . ....

I also changed from being too emotional to being less so . I learned from past experiences  that being too emotional was not good but at the same time , I can't remove it totally as that's what made me me ; my identity . Rational friends would tell me that it's not good to be emotional and I agree to some extent but removing that totally would mean I ' lose ' myself and that's scary . I came across a psychology  book that states that in order to survive one needs both ie logic plus emotions . Emotions are important as they are the ' inner compass ' when you are ' lost ' . I'm glad that emotions are not less important than logic . Indeed when the 2 cooperate , it's a formidable combination .I’m glad that I've become a better version of myself and not a totally different person . I finally had a revelation what it means to be a new creation . 

 

I am thankful that the storm is over . In retrospect , I wouldn't be able to become a new creation without the intense trial . Throughout the storm I kept on asking God : if u are peace , love , mercy and grace then deliver it by actions not just words . I just can't let go of that as that's the reason why I became a believer initially . He did delivered through actions in the end . please refer to my post on 22/7 /15.