The return
of the doubts
I just got my breakthrough in my career and I didn’t expect
doubts to come fast and furious again so soon. It has been 9 months since my skin allergy. I
have not been able to sleep well these few days due to the itch plus cough too.
My health seems to have taken a turn for the worse since my birthday /when I
joined the new company. First it was the skin doctor, then the gynae , gp, what
else is next God? Maybe I’m still in the trial and I’m unaware. Thank you for
the job but F U for the many sickness. Is this your definition of an abundant
life? It’s sickening. Tried as I might, health supplement, meditating on
verses doesn’t make it better. I’m
tortured physically which brings about the mental war. If I don’t have health,
I won’t be able to hold my job nor anything in life at all. What have I done to
deserve 3 years of trial ? I value health more than my career. And I think this
time round there may be no reconciliation with God.I cannot accept a pyscho
definition of an abundant life.
Health
struggles
Every night I’ve to apply 3 types of medication
for my skin eczema. I wept as I saw the eczema got worse despite seeing the specialist. He is the 4th
doctor I’ve seen. By the 2nd consultation, I asked him whether is it
possible to stop new spots from coming out and he gave me the hopeless look. I asked
for oral medication but he said he can’t give me as mine is not serious enough.
I was like how serious you want it to be? When I am totally covered with spots
on all my skin? New spots are sprouting
and the existing red dots would grew and expand. If this continues, I don’t think I want to go
out anymore. I might as well stay home and rot till my death. How can I face
others when I can’t even face myself. To
my horror, I saw some red spots on my face too. Those on my legs would ooze
liquid so I can’t imagine that happening
on my face. Desperate, I contacted a sister in Christ and she recommended
another specialist to me. It costs me a bomb but at least the doctor gave me
medication. Things turned better and my eczema is finally under control after
seeing 5 doctors. I’m so relieved that at least it was a problem that money can
solved. I had heard of cases whereby people can’t get healed even after
spending tons of money.
Then
came the 2nd wave, I was told by the doctor that I need to see another
specialist ie the gynae for my heavy bleeding for further checks. My thoughts
got darker like I might need to have an operation. I called my insurance agent
to enquire and to my horror, only then I realised that I’ve to pay my bill
first then claim. But what if it’s a 5 digit figure ? where do I get the funds
to pay that? No one will help me even my own family.I was so overwhelmed that I
decided to let go and focus on what I can do. It turns out that the gynae said
just need to monitor and no surgery is required.
The
physical exhaustion from travelling many hours to and fro my new work place is
taking the toil on me. Coupled with the need to adapt to new work culture,
colleagues and boss and internal staff plus the need to relearn knowledge , I felt
my load was too heavy and my back is ‘bending’.I’m physically and mentally
burnt . I’m so unused to being scolded by my new boss Mr KD daily. I didn’t expect
KD to behave in such a emo way. I thought male bosses would be more lenient
towards the fairer sex. My fellow colleague ‘SC’ is more emo and I’ve to endure
sudden bursts of emo on some bad days.I thought of resigning but I told myself
;I chose this job so I’ve to hold on to my choice no matter what. Then I told myself that I’ve to detach my
emotions during those episodes if I want to stay in the industry. I’m thankful
that God brought an unexpected mentor just when I need it. A patient and gracious
lady who guided me in my struggle. I may be an experienced worker but I’m after
all new in this industry. Things are moving towards the brighter side.
I still need to see yet another specialist
again in a few weeks time. But I know God is great and will never abandon me
even when I thought of leaving Him many times. That’s unconditional love which
not even earthly parents can give me. I don’t understand why you love me so
much ,God but I’m so touched.
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