Your doubts doesn’t
stop God from loving you.
I don’t understand why you love me so much ,God
but I’m so touched. Back track to what happen to me about 12 months ago….
I just got my breakthrough in my career and I didn’t expect
doubts to come fast and furious again so soon.
It has been 9 months since my skin allergy. I have not been able to
sleep well these few days due to the itch plus cough too. My health seems to
have taken a turn for the worse since my birthday /when I joined the new
company. First it was the skin doctor, then the gynae , gp, what else is next God?
Maybe I’m still in the trial and I’m unaware. Thank you for the job but F U for
the many sickness. Is this your definition of an abundant life? It’s sickening.
Tried as I might, health supplement, meditating on verses doesn’t make it better. I’m tortured
physically which brings about the mental war. If I don’t have health, I won’t
be able to hold my job nor anything in life at all. What have I done to deserve
3 years of trial ? I value health more than my career. And I think this time
round there may be no reconciliation with God.I cannot accept a pyscho
definition of an abundant life.
Health
struggles
Every night I’ve to apply 3 types of medication
for my skin eczema. I wept as I saw the eczema got worse despite seeing the specialist. He is the 4th
doctor I’ve seen. By the 2nd consultation, I asked him whether is it
possible to stop new spots from coming out and he gave me the hopeless look. I
asked for oral medication but he said he can’t give me as mine is not serious
enough. I was like how serious you want it to be? When I am totally covered
with spots on all my skin? New spots are
sprouting and the existing red dots would grew and expand. If this continues, I don’t think I want to go
out anymore. I might as well stay home and rot till my death. How can I face
others when I can’t even face myself. To
my horror, I saw some red spots on my face too. Those on my legs would ooze
liquid so I can’t imagine that happening
on my face. Desperate, I contacted a sister in Christ and she recommended another
specialist to me. It costs me a bomb but at least the doctor gave me
medication. Things turned better and my eczema is finally under control after
seeing 5 doctors. I’m so relieved that at least it was a problem that money can
solved. I had heard of cases whereby people can’t get healed even after
spending tons of money.
Then
came the 2nd wave, I was told by the doctor that I need to see another
specialist ie the gynae for my heavy bleeding for further checks. My thoughts
got darker like I might need to have an operation. I called my insurance agent
to enquire and to my horror, only then I realised that I’ve to pay my bill
first then claim. But what if it’s a 5 digit figure ? where do I get the funds
to pay that? No one will help me even my own family.I was so overwhelmed that I
decided to let go and focus on what I can do. It turns out that the gynae said
just need to monitor and no surgery is required.
The physical exhaustion from travelling
many hours to and fro my new work place is taking the toil on me. Coupled with the
need to adapt to new work culture, colleagues and boss and internal staff plus
the need to relearn knowledge , I felt my load was too heavy and my back is
‘bending’.I’m physically and mentally burnt . I’m so unused to being scolded by
my new boss Mr KD daily. I didn’t expect KD to behave in such a emo way. I
thought male bosses would be more lenient towards the fairer sex. My fellow
colleague ‘SC’ is more emo and I’ve to endure sudden bursts of emo on some bad
days.I thought of resigning but I told myself ;I chose this job so I’ve to hold
on to my choice no matter what. Then I
told myself that I’ve to detach my emotions during those episodes if I want to
stay in the industry. I’m thankful that God brought an unexpected mentor just
when I need it. A patient and gracious lady who guided me in my struggle. I may
be an experienced worker but I’m after all new in this industry. Things are
moving towards the brighter side.
I still need to see yet another specialist
again in a few weeks time. But I know God is great and will never abandon me
even when I thought of leaving Him many times. That’s unconditional love which
not even earthly parents can give me. I don’t understand why you love me so
much ,God but I’m so touched.
No comments:
Post a Comment