My birthday is in July and I definitely want to
have a good month. The perm job that I’ve prayed still haven’t materialised
yet. I think to be fair to all human relationships that I’ve had so far , I won’t
let a sour relationship undecided for too long and I decide that end Jul I will
decide what to do with the relationship with God. I can’t reconcile a good God
and yet not provide me a decent perm job for 2 years. I think provision is a
basic human right .It seems illogical since I’ve good ratings from my ex-bosses
and yet I cant find a good job.
Like many humans, I don’t enjoy being depressed
so I figure I have to change . Maybe removing God from my world may make it
better….
Today is my birthday. Just last week . a
recruitment agent called me out of the blue and offered me a position. I went
down for interview and didn’t expect anything . It went amazingly well and they
called me the next day for the 2nd round a few days later. It went
also amazingly well with the big boss. It felt so right . However, due to a prolonged period of
prosecution, I’ve learnt to expect bad things and find good ones hard to
believe anymore. Called that human adaption . If I didn’t go through such a
long period of volatility , I can say that I’m very sure that it’s God’s doing
as the probability of getting an interview through the agent is 10% plus
probability of being headhunted by them is 0%. I think they will give me a
reply by next week. If nothing weird happens again, I should get a job offer…..
I am thankful for the prayers that strangers
uttered for me when they read about my disappointment about God.
I withdrew from my church small group as some
could not understand and felt that I was insulting God and attacked me. I don’t
want to be pushed into a ‘darker valley ‘. Hence, I think keeping to myself is
better . God will speak for Himself.
I came across a blog by a pastor who shared
that those who has not been through a dark period will not comprehend and may
even attack you when you have doubts on God. It’s important to have discernment
who to share on doubts about God.
One of the couples from the church small group invited me to dinner last week and gave me a
surprise birthday celebration. I am very touched . I told him that I came
across a psychology book and I finally understood why I felt so broken. My self
identity and beliefs about the world were all shattered during these 2 years. I
‘rebuild ‘a new identity for myself and recite that to myself and I felt better
as time goes by . He said that its possible that God speaks to us through
secular stuff too. I don’t deny that its possible but I guess I’ve grown to be
unsure of a lot of things during these period. I thought I know my family and
yet they treat me like dirt when I’m already in the pits. I thought I know God
and yet I’m seeing a different side of Him that I’ve never seen before and its
scary . Where is the loving God that I know ? …. No matter what I tell myself
no angel nor devil is gonna take away my sanity . I will just deal with
whatever situation that I humanly can .
Its hard to trust again when trust is broken .
I thought God is more trustworthy than any other man /human but now I’m not so
sure. I don’t even trust myself now.
Yes, my desire is that my career be restored
before my birthday and maybe it’s already done cos the interview was concluded
and everything was good. But I cant silence that únsure ‘voice in me. I used to
operate based on trust but since that part was broken , I had switched to the
sceptic mode in order to survive.
These few days, it’s strange that I feel so
light hearted and just dance to the music . maybe good news is really coming
but then I can’t be totally sure. Preciously, I can discern whether my prayer
will get answered or not but now I’m just unsure. It’s just a wait and see
situation now.I am thankful as I think He will indeed come after the one lost sheep. But Will I be ‘divorced ‘from God
? or He shows up last minute again and we are reconciled ?
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