when is the pain going to end, Lord

I am devastated that yet another clash with my new boss. just when i thought things are getting better then it went south. 2nd time in the same industry. looks like  I am not suitable to work there. perhaps I hear my calling wrongly? I wanted to help those in pain get healed or move on faster but  I have so much obstacles in front and I am exhausted.

my 1st melt down was when the nation announced a curfew for a month but it's later extended for another month. it's very difficult for me as an extrovert and I'm living alone. double whammy, I say.

My 1st setback is for the 1st time in my life. I was told that my probation was extended. I don't agree that it's due to miscommunication or the inferior complexity of my new boss who had poisoned the director's impression of me. 

Even i had doubts  about GoD,I decided that if i want a different outcome then I need to do something differently from the last time. Things did turn out differently. I thought i had issues with male boss just like what happen in my last job but i thought no harm trying since it's very difficult to switch industry in this season and i hope to be able to help my family whose industry are affected by the downturn.    Months later, they did confirmed me.I felt relieved but not joyful....but thankful. 

The next wave came, that i had a lump on my body and need to go for more checks. I've always tried to eat healthily and maintain a healthy lifestyle but this news was shocking to me. I had a rage and disappointment that was unprecedented before. it's been more than a week and i can't seem to chase the grey cloud above me go away. it's hovering around me . i still have unfulfilled dreams . I've given a lot in my job helping people , including my family too.

I then heard that my sister's debtors has finally catch up with her. They will sue her in my birthday month. That's when my health check is too.I am appalled to hear that sister told me that brother's response to her on her pending court case is that you have a low life, just go in and serve your sentence.what about him and his destructive lifestyle ? who is he to judge when he is the scumbag? my rage surge again. where is the justice? why the bad people get to gloat over people's misfortune? 

   is this the values our parents have taught us over the years? they taught us the same thing but how come the other 2 turn out like that ?  

maybe this is a test i would not pass. I'm exhausted and  the doubts return and its getting stronger. Seriously, if i dont protection from you, Lord then i've no choice but to depend on myself. I'm not sorry as my language of love is acts of service. I want the restoration in joy and love and family life since my parents passed away 2 years ago. where is it? 

May I know that indeed His grace is sufficient for all the thorns in my life. ??!!.......

Only the Lord can deliver you from all fears.

Sharing my journey n hope it will encourage some. Don’t ever give up! Sunshine is ahead

About 1.5 years ago , my mum passed away . I suddenly need to step up my role as the ‘ woman of the house ‘ n care for my sick dad . I learned cooking for his sake . During that time , my new house came n I was busy renovating too. I used to work in a hospital but when mum passed away , I dislike hearing the word ‘ death’ but I had no choice due to my work . I struggle intensely but I persevered till my ex boss said my work performance slipped n give me an ultimatum. I was disappointed n exhausted so I left without a job as my dad’s condition worsen . I became a full time caregiver. Little do I know the storm was bigger ahead .

 I struggled more as my fears intensified as my daily fear that my beloved dad may die in front of me overwhelmed n tormented me . Plus fears of my provision n also my bro was not supportive n had been verbally abusive ( one occasion of threaten physical abuse) towards me .he thinks that he did a better job of caring for dad as a part time caregiver versus me , a full time caregiver. He did not  fully understand the stress of a full time caregiver n drove me out of dad’s house. I stayed there to care for dad despite I feared my own safety . He passed away few months ago n I moved to my new house.

I opted for counselling as I feared my mental health may suffer . There were days when I was grieving over both parents together plus my fear of no perm job  n felt like dying . It was hell n I just wanted to get out of the darkness .I did not know that I got no time to grieve over mum previously as I was too busy working n caring for dad . When I left without a job , it was like payback ‘ time to grieve . I feared the darkness of grief n feared I lose my mind..Also after dad passed on , my brother took all dad’s cash n refuse to give me my share ( dad has no will ) he don’t think I did a good job to care for dad but the truth is that he used that as an excuse to pay for his own debt .n my fav aunt betrayed me too n seems to want a share in dad’s assets too .I was devastated but did not give up as I don’t bow down to enemies n believed that my parents wants me to live a good life n not sink in depression. 

Recently, the Lord restored me with a perm job that give me an very  good increment . I would need to work another 3 year in my ex org to get to that level . He had given me justice when my ex boss did not appreciate n promoted me. He had sustained n delivered me from all my fears .I am thankful to my pastor from new creation church for preaching His grace . Though I had doubts on some days ,the Lord showed up n delivered me from evil days n have a good n safe landing . My counsellor also said I’m stable to manage on my own too . It’s so good to be able to breathe ‘ better now n see more joy. 

A New Beginning 

I got a job offer before my long trip . I'm suppose to be happy but… though the monthly pay is higher , the annual package is lower. Is this your idea of abundant , Lord? I disagree respectfully. I’ve endure a lot of unfairness this season but I’m not taking it anymore. I wont swallow any SHIT anymore!!

Virtually every area of my life is broken ( my parents died, no perm job, betrayal from family over assets) including my eye sight and knees now. I don’t know why the supply of the part time job stop then the perm job interviews come and the job offer . but I wont accept a lousy offer. Where is the restoration? I won’t accept more subtraction. It’’s enough . I tried to depend on you but if you are like other fair weather friends, I’ve no choice but to switch to depend on myself.

My part time job income is dwindling 2 weeks before my trip. I had enough of cutting expenses. There is only so much I can cut . After a while, it becomes meaningless. I told the Lord, if you don’t give me a husband then you need to give me a job to support myself and my dream ( ie travel around the world) .

My overseas trip had never been so eventful. It started with my boots soles came off at the Dubai airport, then my luggage lock malfunctioned on the 1^st day of my trip. Amazingly, in the midst of my extreme tiredness , I managed to think of a super cheap way to resolve the shoes issue. I wore my socks over my boots so that the soles can stay intact. It lasted 2 days then I was able to buy another pair of cheap boots( S$20+) at the mall near my hotel in Russia. Next, my room’s toilet flash was not working and the staff made me waited for an hour to inform that they may change my room tomo morning. The next morning, I was pushed from one restaurant to another for my complimentary breakfast. I broked down and shouted at the reception staff. No one gave me clear instructions that I need to produce the voucher instead of the room key.

The recruiter suddenly came back with a better offer. At least, it’s very close to my last annual renumeration. Before my flight, I told her that I will reply her whenever I have access to wifi.I was still sitting on the fence and had to focus on what my counsellor on what is important to me in my career. 2 of the factors are still unknown but I’ve to decide whether to take the leap or not ? I realised that I must find meaning in the job for me to stay there longer. Hence, it’s a plus for this industry who made me the job offer. There was no clear direction from God.

I accepted the job offer out of exhaustion , my 1^st thought. Not the best reason , Lord but I’ve tired of attending interviews. Too many before my trip zz. After I returned home, I suddenly realised that their offer had built my last drawn monthly allowance into the basic salary. Wow how did that happen? God’s grace. I need to work extra 3 years in my last organisation to get to that level. That’s restoration Lord! Part of me is unhappy that my ex boss did not appreciate by  promoting me. Most people get promoted after 2-3 years but mine was overdue.

I am thankful for the victory but it’s not easy as I need to consciously rest in the Lord. He did deliver.

where is the saviour?

I started taking holy com on behalf of dad hoping that will be a breakthrough in his illness but sadly and disappointedly, it did not come and it became worse. Strangely, i had some breakthrough in the revelation of the Lord's love though.. However, it still is not enough for me to survive this season. Being without a perm job and a caregiver to dad, it's a lot to take in. This time round, not even my church can provide the support. A church counsellor who left me feeling uncomfortable then a ministry member who said I need to get dad's confirmation in order they can visit him and pray. How to do that when my dad's mood change  as his sickness progress? Furthermore, his cognitive ability looks on the decline due to the medication. To think that the church preach on no fear of man and yet they fear that there may be prosecution from my non believer family member as they had bad experiences from other cases they hand handled. Do you practise what you preached?


There is only so much that encouragement from friends can carry me. I still have to walk and handle the daily tasks myself.The exhaustion from care giving and handling dispute with family over dad's care had left me little energy for job search and my finances are dwindling.  Lord where  are you? Where is the promise that  'you shall not let me bear more than i could take? " where is the promise that your perfect love cast out all fear'?  last night , dad was so restless and kept on asking me to hug him that i feared that he died in my arms.He grieved the loss of his independence from the weakness of his legs , his hands jerking to not being able to think clearly. I grieved with him. Where is the strong dad who can fix all my problems? what will happen to me when he's gone? I felt deep sadness beyond words and for once, I understood when some told me that it's so painful that they prefer to drink themselves 'dead' . I am seriously tempted. Maybe for once, i will do destructive things to numb the pain. Anything to drain it , to remove it.


Lord, since even your 'generals' in the church can't fix the issue then would you turn up personally to help me fix it? ... i'm at the stage where it's great if i get extra help but it's ok if people don't help me. Lord are you like the rest?

Grief opens up areas in you that u do not know existed.

Grief affects people in different ways.

 It makes my heart ache to see my once strong dad growing more frail each day. Alas the sting of aging. During the Chinese New year, I suddenly have the idea to do a new year décor together with dad. I can see that he no longer can do certain task. It saddens me greatly but I’ve to maintain a happy exterior and continue to encourage him.  I wept at night in my bed thinking about it.

  

I suddenly had a pain in my sole while doing the spring cleaning. Despite that  I endured and tried to finish as much as I could. Previously when my mum was around, together with dad, we would do the spring cleaning and shopping. Now I’m doing it all alone and to make things worse, I had pain and suffering from exhaustion. I did not get any appreciation from my family. Worse still, all I get was condemnation and accusation from my brother when I suddenly lost my cool towards dad due to exhaustion. It’s tough to be a full time caregiver and the outsiders think that it’s a walk in the park. He also accused me of leeching on the family for free meals when I moved back to care and spend time for dad. I do not like people who take me for granted and are unappreciative. Hence I resolved to find a part time job while being a caregiver. I also hope to get a perm job soon though I comflicted as I wish to spend time with dad who seems to grow weaker.

Mum passed away 9 months ago. I’m still looking at ‘’death’now as seeing my dad growing weaker each day due to his illness pains me. I was upset that when I see my friends family picture during the lunar year gathering, they always have additions in their family but how come there is only subtraction from mine. God, What have I done to deserve this? Then I started to compare myself and Job . why has Job suffering in the bible only lasted few months while mine is longer than mine. I don’t know how Job comes out of the trial and said he still believed that God is goodness and mercy. I honestly am very challenged at this moment. Will I pass the test like Job need? Then  a sister in Christ told me why was I compare myself with Job and stress myself whether I will pass the test or not? It sets me thinking and my knot loosen a bit. Just be myself and stop pondering on whether I passed the test or not. Take a step at a time.

I also tried to get support from my cell group leader but think I may have shared too much and he seem to lose his patience recently. I was crashed as all  the men I met this season of my life are disappointing and unsupportive. So my cell group leader who was able to support me last season can also fail…. All these events make my heart ache strongly which reminded me of my breakup with my 1^st boyfriend.  On those valley moments, I prayed and hope that I have a life partner who could just hold me in his arms/ holding my hands  and tell me that he will always be there for me and everything will be ok. But this prayer reminds unanswered for years. In those dark days, I felt like disciple Paul who said that he hoped that  God can take away the torn in his flesh. The reply is “ My grace is sufficient for you’ …But what about that ‘ You will not make us bear more than I could take’ verse? I felt that I’m breaking down in many areas and on the verge of mental meltdown. I’ve to fight off the ‘pharisees’ in my life to maintain my sound mind and self care.

Dad was in and out of the hospital few times due to his heart condition since the 3^rd day of Lunar Year. It’s physically and mentally tired. What drains me more is the family dyamics…much as I tried, more cracks were appearing as the legalistic humans take me for granted. I’ve to set up healthy boundaries.

It’s strange  how grief affects my views in other areas of my life.  I suddenly think that maybe it’s better for me to be single so I wont need to witness my future spouse wither away like a flower. Maybe I should marry someone younger so I will die 1^st and won’t need to go through the pain of losing a loved one again. My friend, on the other hand suddenly had the urge to retake her legal course so that she may complete her late father’s dream to be a full fledged lawyer. Such different reactions.

Abba Father, will I still believe in you regardless of the outcome of my dad? I went for church counselling and it did help me to zoom in the root cause.I’ve started meditating on the bible verse that speaks to me on that area for few weeks already. It seems to help but no significant breakthrough yet. How will our relationship end, Lord?

Does faith requires a miracle?

Does faith requires a miracle?

I came across an article that a pastor’s daughter nearly died from a medical condition but she miraculously recovered with no damage  though the doctor’s prognosis was poor. He and his wife prayed that they will serve God faithfully regardless of the outcome before they saw the miracle.

It sets me thinking… My mum passed away few months ago .I prayed for her healing and she passed away the next day. Within a span of 7 days of hospitalisation, she just worsen. Her death caught us and many relatives off-guard. Part of me was disappointed with God but somehow over time, I managed to overcome it  Amazing I thought….  God make me and He knows that I take promises seriously. The ultimate deal breaker is people who don’t keep their promises to me. Will I continue worshiping a God who don’t  keep promises ? my answer is no. Somehow through my tough period surviving the office politics in the previous season, I’ve learned not to feel guilty towards not  keeping my promises to people who don’t keep theirs towards me.  It helps to make me feel more balanced and less stupid and bitter I guess.

How many people can be like Job where God took so many things away from him . Yes he was restored with multiple folds in the end but how can my parents ever be replaced? It’s not the same. My new flat came unexpectedly early but at what timing when my mum just passed away recently, at one point, I thought I might not survive the huge load of juggling work, renovation and being a caregiver to dad. Amazingly I survived that crazy season with no major damage. I am thankful that I didn’t suffer a  mental meltdown.  In the meantime, I continue to pray that my family will came to know you as a God of breakthrough( in their health and mindset), goodness and mercy on their days on earth. I do not know how long I can walk this walk of faith till the end of time as the burden seems to be getting heavier. 

I do not know whether I can survive the blow should dad be taken away too ( as I’m closer to him) but I prayed and begged that he will have a different outcome from mum…  there is only one possibility: since God is unchangeable, then he has to change my mind and let me see willingly the ‘good’ there is if dad’s outcome is unfortunately the same as mum. I also hope that my counsellor’s advice on how to make the grief for terminally ill patients and their caregivers easier by preparing for it.  Yes, I believe that you are a God of miracles but I’ve doubts about whether you will do it for dad or  not?

Yes, I think my faith requires a miracle this time, Lord!

cross roads again

Ironically, life becames 'harder'the longer one became a believer. Yes, it will be the case for most relationship as one becomes more familiar with your friend's  habits, the relationship will reach a more comfortable level. I thought I've passed a number of tests that the Lord  had posed to me but however, the tests seems to get harder and harder. Recently, my cross weighs too heavy and there are many days when I felt I can't '' carry 'it and 'walk' further.

I thank God for moulding me to be less anxious about uncertainty over the years . However, embracing uncertainty is not natural to me. I am thankful that my career door was suddenly shut recently. I felt so relieved and happy( unlike the last episode with the ex boss from hell)  that my burden was lightened. K did not have compassion which I  thought should be the key trait given the industry we were in. Since, my mum passed away  months ago, I struggled dealing with deceased cases as it always rub salt on my wound when I heard others describe about their beloved family death. But nevertheless, I continued to do my job professionally  despite the pain and grief. Despite my efforts, K felt I did not put in my best and gave me the ultimatum  recently. Many days, I asked myself how long I need to work under such an uninspiring  boss? My dad was unwell and I became the caregiver since mum 's demise and it's become more challenging to squeeze time for job search. Alas... I'm glad that God shut the door that he opened for me ( I did not applied for this job).

Despite the office politics and it was not a great place to work in unlike my last stay with the non profit organisation, I'm thankful to have learned new things like learning how to manage and survive  the 'interior' bitches haahh  ( I'm blessed that I've never met such colleague in my career previously). The job supplied me with the funds for my new house and furnishings. K only talked to me after I've collected my bonus and the renovation was 'secretly' completed. yeh!

I thought I could have  a breather after I tendered . Alas, I was told that dad's condition had worsen. it pains me greatly to see him that he is losing weight despite my home cooked food. I have not seen my dad cried before except recently and it pains me to see a man's man cry.He would have to start on more aggressive treatment soon.. when can i go for my trips again?. I'm torn between my passion for travelling and caregiving.

It’s one thing to face the death of mum months ago and another to face yet another pending bad news of my dad. It felt like my wound has not healed yet and  it’s gonna get cut deeper again . I can only give grace to those Pharisees in my life provided that I receive it from the Lord.(i'm glad I don't have to deal with the pharisees at work anymore)'but other pharisees still exists in my life circle...  I no longer dwell on the why this happened to me ?( guess that's improvement since my last angry and fustrated response  toward God in the last grey season) the last round I’m sick of begging God to extend dad’s life. I’m sick of begging anyone for help . Perhaps u are just like the rest of the guys I’ve met this season . One more does not make a difference 

My biggest question is that I may leave church permanently this time if He didn't save dad and he passed away . How can the God of mercy take away my parent one after the other? I want my dad to have a different outcome from mum..

I