Your doubts doesn’t stop God from loving you.

Your doubts doesn’t stop God from loving you.

I don’t understand why you love me so much ,God but I’m so touched. Back track to what happen to me about 12 months ago….

I just got my breakthrough in my career and I didn’t expect doubts to come fast and furious again so soon.  It has been 9 months since my skin allergy. I have not been able to sleep well these few days due to the itch plus cough too. My health seems to have taken a turn for the worse since my birthday /when I joined the new company. First it was the skin doctor, then the gynae , gp, what else is next God? Maybe I’m still in the trial and I’m unaware. Thank you for the job but F U for the many sickness. Is this your definition of an abundant life? It’s sickening. Tried as I might, health supplement, meditating on verses  doesn’t make it better. I’m tortured physically which brings about the mental war. If I don’t have health, I won’t be able to hold my job nor anything in life at all. What have I done to deserve 3 years of trial ? I value health more than my career. And I think this time round there may be no reconciliation with God.I cannot accept a pyscho definition of an abundant life.

Health struggles

Every night I’ve to apply 3 types of medication for my skin eczema. I wept as I saw the eczema got worse despite  seeing the specialist. He is the 4^th doctor I’ve seen. By the 2^nd consultation, I asked him whether is it possible to stop new spots from coming out and he gave me the hopeless look. I asked for oral medication but he said he can’t give me as mine is not serious enough. I was like how serious you want it to be? When I am totally covered with spots on all my skin?  New spots are sprouting and the existing red dots would grew and expand.  If this continues, I don’t think I want to go out anymore. I might as well stay home and rot till my death. How can I face others when I can’t even face myself.  To my horror, I saw some red spots on my face too. Those on my legs would ooze liquid  so I can’t imagine that happening on my face. Desperate, I contacted a sister in Christ and she recommended another specialist to me. It costs me a bomb but at least the doctor gave me medication. Things turned better and my eczema is finally under control after seeing 5 doctors. I’m so relieved that at least it was a problem that money can solved. I had heard of cases whereby people can’t get healed even after spending tons of money. 

            Then came the 2^nd wave, I was told by the doctor that I need to see another specialist ie the gynae for my heavy bleeding for further checks. My thoughts got darker like I might need to have an operation. I called my insurance agent to enquire and to my horror, only then I realised that I’ve to pay my bill first then claim. But what if it’s a 5 digit figure ? where do I get the funds to pay that? No one will help me even my own family.I was so overwhelmed that I decided to let go and focus on what I can do. It turns out that the gynae said just need to monitor and no surgery is required.

      The physical exhaustion from travelling many hours to and fro my new work place is taking the toil on me. Coupled with the need to adapt to new work culture, colleagues and boss and internal staff plus the need to relearn knowledge , I felt my load was too heavy and my back is ‘bending’.I’m physically and mentally burnt . I’m so unused to being scolded by my new boss Mr KD daily. I didn’t expect KD to behave in such a emo way. I thought male bosses would be more lenient towards the fairer sex. My fellow colleague ‘SC’ is more emo and I’ve to endure sudden bursts of emo on some bad days.I thought of resigning but I told myself ;I chose this job so I’ve to hold on to my choice no matter what.  Then I told myself that I’ve to detach my emotions during those episodes if I want to stay in the industry. I’m thankful that God brought an unexpected mentor just when I need it. A patient and gracious lady who guided me in my struggle. I may be an experienced worker but I’m after all new in this industry. Things are moving towards the brighter side.

I still need to see yet another specialist again in a few weeks time. But I know God is great and will never abandon me even when I thought of leaving Him many times. That’s unconditional love which not even earthly parents can give me. I don’t understand why you love me so much ,God but I’m so touched.

return of the doubts

The return of the doubts

I just got my breakthrough in my career and I didn’t expect doubts to come fast and furious again so soon.  It has been 9 months since my skin allergy. I have not been able to sleep well these few days due to the itch plus cough too. My health seems to have taken a turn for the worse since my birthday /when I joined the new company. First it was the skin doctor, then the gynae , gp, what else is next God? Maybe I’m still in the trial and I’m unaware. Thank you for the job but F U for the many sickness. Is this your definition of an abundant life? It’s sickening. Tried as I might, health supplement, meditating on verses  doesn’t make it better. I’m tortured physically which brings about the mental war. If I don’t have health, I won’t be able to hold my job nor anything in life at all. What have I done to deserve 3 years of trial ? I value health more than my career. And I think this time round there may be no reconciliation with God.I cannot accept a pyscho definition of an abundant life.

Health struggles

Every night I’ve to apply 3 types of medication for my skin eczema. I wept as I saw the eczema got worse despite  seeing the specialist. He is the 4^th doctor I’ve seen. By the 2^nd consultation, I asked him whether is it possible to stop new spots from coming out and he gave me the hopeless look. I asked for oral medication but he said he can’t give me as mine is not serious enough. I was like how serious you want it to be? When I am totally covered with spots on all my skin?  New spots are sprouting and the existing red dots would grew and expand.  If this continues, I don’t think I want to go out anymore. I might as well stay home and rot till my death. How can I face others when I can’t even face myself.  To my horror, I saw some red spots on my face too. Those on my legs would ooze liquid  so I can’t imagine that happening on my face. Desperate, I contacted a sister in Christ and she recommended another specialist to me. It costs me a bomb but at least the doctor gave me medication. Things turned better and my eczema is finally under control after seeing 5 doctors. I’m so relieved that at least it was a problem that money can solved. I had heard of cases whereby people can’t get healed even after spending tons of money.  

            Then came the 2^nd wave, I was told by the doctor that I need to see another specialist ie the gynae for my heavy bleeding for further checks. My thoughts got darker like I might need to have an operation. I called my insurance agent to enquire and to my horror, only then I realised that I’ve to pay my bill first then claim. But what if it’s a 5 digit figure ? where do I get the funds to pay that? No one will help me even my own family.I was so overwhelmed that I decided to let go and focus on what I can do. It turns out that the gynae said just need to monitor and no surgery is required.

      The physical exhaustion from travelling many hours to and fro my new work place is taking the toil on me. Coupled with the need to adapt to new work culture, colleagues and boss and internal staff plus the need to relearn knowledge , I felt my load was too heavy and my back is ‘bending’.I’m physically and mentally burnt . I’m so unused to being scolded by my new boss Mr KD daily. I didn’t expect KD to behave in such a emo way. I thought male bosses would be more lenient towards the fairer sex. My fellow colleague ‘SC’ is more emo and I’ve to endure sudden bursts of emo on some bad days.I thought of resigning but I told myself ;I chose this job so I’ve to hold on to my choice no matter what.  Then I told myself that I’ve to detach my emotions during those episodes if I want to stay in the industry. I’m thankful that God brought an unexpected mentor just when I need it. A patient and gracious lady who guided me in my struggle. I may be an experienced worker but I’m after all new in this industry. Things are moving towards the brighter side.

I still need to see yet another specialist again in a few weeks time. But I know God is great and will never abandon me even when I thought of leaving Him many times. That’s unconditional love which not even earthly parents can give me. I don’t understand why you love me so much ,God but I’m so touched.