God wants to give u good things to remember about Him .

Yes , God wants to give u good things to remember about Him .

God did not always act the same way as He does .Based on past experiences , He always produces instant miracles like helping me to speak to my brother in love few years ago . My brother had gotten the family into unnecessary trouble and stress for being insensible despite being an adult . I was angry for months and hoped he can just disappear from the face of the earth . But God helped me to speak to my brother in a gentle manner and he subsequently changed for the better .that night , I knew it's was not me talking to my brother but rather God using me as my anger was suddenly gone . I then had a revelation what it means to hate the sin but love the sinner .

I felt very bitter towards my parents when they were not understanding when my career was unstable and hence unable to contribute to the household for about 2 years. I was the only child who  faithfully and regularly contributed to the household since I graduated .My siblings only gave as and when they wished . Yet my parents were resentful when I stopped giving though they don't lack provision .It didn't help that they don't encourage me but rather condemn me during that period. People said that it's the Asian parents' tough love but I think it's bad for the child's soul . I find it extremely hard to forgive as I thought the family should have been more supportive during that period . But God gave me a verse and I was able to forgive them in an instant . I wont be able to do that on my own strength. Only God can unlock a deadlock and not condemn me for being unable to forgive .

However , recently I realized that sometimes God will do it in steps instead of instantly . He upgrade my salary in 2 steps unlike previously .
In 2014 , I got an instant job offer from a hospital . That was amazing as it never happen to me before . Prior to the interview , I was meditating on ' only God can produce amazing results ' after hearing Joel Osteen's  's sermon . 

 

 

 I rem that it was the same lady who interviewed me few years ago as she is a very nice person  and we totally click . I was very happy to be able to work with her finally . However , the subsequent negotiation with the HR department didn't go well and I rejected the offer .I was disappointed with God and wondered why it turned out this way . I asked Him why can't higher pay and passion go together ?am I destined to have a lower than market rate pay ?  I don't think He should be confined by such things ...

I later gotten another perm job with a higher salary .I left subsequently as the industry was not something I'm passionate about ....  I felt even lower as the trial was getting much longer than I expected . I'm mentally and physically exhausted .

 

Few months later , I got a very good job offer in the industry that I'm passionate about . It's higher than my expected pay .I didn't expect to get a very good offer plus an industry I love and also good bosses . Wow I finally gotten all that I wanted . Don't give up on your dreams even when the battle gets too hard . Quote from Jo’s  book : satan will hit you very hard when he knows you are getting to your next level of destiny soon . The storm is very big but our God is bigger .He is faithful even though I'm losing faith and thinking of leaving church if I don't get a perm job by jul 2015 . God answered my prayer request in July 2015 ( coincides with my birthday month ) . Yes just like Jo said , God wants us to have  milestones that reminds us of Him . Have a 'break out! '

Only God can create A new creation

 

Only God can create A new creation 

Call it human stubborn ways but it's very hard for you to even change yourself . I would say that I wouldn't be a new creation if not for the trial of 2 years of career tsunami  . It's very painful but in retrospect , I realized that my comfort zone had expanded so much as well as my growth . 

I used to be a planner and I hate to have disruptions in my schedule . If there is any changes , I will replan again . There were numerous last minute changes during these period and I was every frustrated . My plan b,c,d,e all didn't work out . Looks like God's will and mine were very different.

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Yes , I wrestle with God just like Jacob . Finally I gave up as I became  weary just like all the men in the bible .I also thought that I had high endurance level but looks like all humans fail ultimately no matter how strong you think you are . When I reached my highest level of frustration , I just gave up on planning altogether .I guess it's God teaching me to live day by day . It's not easy as its against my nature to plan . I later realized that planning is actually a form of ' control ' . It's definitely not easy to completely surrender that to God as I value my career a lot  and it seems that God was not helping me during that season . There were numerous strange bad things that happened to me . I begged Him for help ; I demanded His help as his child but nothing was happening . Things didn't improve and it actually worsen . In my darkest moment , I told God 'it's simpler if you just stop my heart beat rather than torture me ' but I won't entertain suicide thoughts . 

Subsequently , I also realized that there were consequences to not planning  at all . I developed a new approach ie have a short term plan with long term view and flexibility . I figured that I can't override God's will , it's no point trying to fight that battle . I planned whenever there was a need to using whatever information that I had at that time . That reduced my frustrations greatly .

I also came across a book by the great C.s Lewis ' a grief observed ' . A quote goes ' it's easy to trust a rope when you used it to tie something but its hard to trust it when you are using that to save yourself or someone else ' it's only when the stakes are very high then you discover how strong is your faith . I used to think I am very committed to God but when the storm gets too big , there were numerous times that I felt like walking away like the disciple Peter did . I was ashamed but  I also realized how human I was . I have never seen that part of me before .but I tell myself don't judged myself like Judas who killed himself subsequently after he betrayed Jesus . Maybe I could be like Peter who reconciled with Jesus later . ....

I also changed from being too emotional to being less so . I learned from past experiences  that being too emotional was not good but at the same time , I can't remove it totally as that's what made me me ; my identity . Rational friends would tell me that it's not good to be emotional and I agree to some extent but removing that totally would mean I ' lose ' myself and that's scary . I came across a psychology  book that states that in order to survive one needs both ie logic plus emotions . Emotions are important as they are the ' inner compass ' when you are ' lost ' . I'm glad that emotions are not less important than logic . Indeed when the 2 cooperate , it's a formidable combination .I’m glad that I've become a better version of myself and not a totally different person . I finally had a revelation what it means to be a new creation . 

 

I am thankful that the storm is over . In retrospect , I wouldn't be able to become a new creation without the intense trial . Throughout the storm I kept on asking God : if u are peace , love , mercy and grace then deliver it by actions not just words . I just can't let go of that as that's the reason why I became a believer initially . He did delivered through actions in the end . please refer to my post on 22/7 /15. 

Breaking down strongholds

Breaking down strongholds 

For many years , my career was a crucial part of my self identify as I am single . 2 years ago, I had a vision from God of a building broken down and later being rebuilt , I prayed about it and felt peaceful so I left without a job . I thought it meant rebuilding my foundation . I never expected it to be so painful .

I have a passion for healthcare so I focused on positions from that industry . Just a few weeks after my resignation , I got interview from that industry and since it was the 2nd round of interview , I thought my chances are very good . They asked for my pay slip and I thought wow I got a job offer so fast .Then something weird happened , they didn't revert to me on the offer .  

I went for other interviews but no good news so I thought I should apply for temporary jobs in the interim . I was too honest to tell the recruitment agent the truth . Hence I can't get even get temporary jobs as they feared that I will leave as soon as I got my perm job . I told myself damn stupid to be honest . It doesn't help that my savings were running out . I asked God ' where is the daily bread u promised me ?' If you don't give a perm job now at least you should give me a temporary one right ? If not you are not honouring what you said in the bible . It double sucks as my birthday was around the corner .

Early July 2014 , a friend told me her company had a temporary opening so I joined them . My temp boss was a pretty micro -person so I felt some stress. But I told myself it's not worth for a temp job so I came up with ways to manage her . Almost 4 months into the job , there was still no news of a perm job so I thought the next best plan was to be a private tutor so that I can earn higher income while searching .

But God has other plans for me . He opened a perm job for me in early Dec and I was surprised as there were normally less openings at that part of the year . I was very happy to have the money to buy presents for my nephew , niece and friends . The timing was perfect .

2 weeks into the job , I realized that the working style of my new boss and me were polar opposites . I'm macro while she was micro . I tried to adapt but she was impossible to please and I struggled . I was also sad that I was good friends with my ex bosses But it seems like I can't be friends with that new one . Friends advised that I can't be friends with every boss and I need to find a common goal with her and work together . I tried but can't any common goal . Her goal was to cover her own ass while my goal was for the team . It's disgusting to work for such a leader . She treated me like a thorn in the flesh and I'm working almost 7 days a week . I tried to tolerate but I feel my mental and physical health were deteriorating . I value my health above everything in life . Hence I decide to quit without a job again . Yes I did it again . People said that I'm insane to do that but I figured that if I got no health , I will lost the most important thing to move on . 

 I was angry with God for opening that door but didn't supply me during those difficult situations . It was a trap I told Him .what kinda of good God are you ? I later realized that though I forced myself to take a job I don't like just for the higher pay ,I can't sustain for long as I value relationship at the workplace more . Hence I told myself the next time , I will focused on that and the rest are icing on the cake .

 

 

I told myself if for some reason (I don't know why )God left me , I still need to survive and I have to do it no matter what .I borrowed motivational books from the library .I came across the book surviving survival ,the art and science of resilience and I began to understand how come I felt so low ;the lowest point of my life so far .The 2 things I believed in my life were under intense attack namely my career and ' I'm the beloved child in Christ ' . My life was in ruins . The book suggests that I need to build a new identity so that I can be strong again . I need to have a broader self definition instead of a narrow one so that I won't break so easily in the future . I came  up  with a new identity ' always have a sense of humor and just do it like Nike in any situation ' . I meditated on it daily and I began to feel better and stronger .a brother in Christ told me that God can chose to speak to me through secular books and having a new identity is biblical  . I told him that it's possible .It’s just that I'm unsure whether He is willing to help though I know He can make all things possible . my next job came with a 'bang '  , please refer to my post on 22/7/15 . cheers

 

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I am also thankful to came across Good books like ,' breathing room '  and ' permission to doubt '   that I read which help to sustain me during the difficult times .