Years ago, I had a lot of anger towards my brother for
getting into debt and making my parents upset and also make me stressed when
the debt collectors started to call home to look for him . I didn’t like the tension at home. There are nights where I felt so much anger that I
feel like killing him in his sleep. I felt that it’s unfair for me to be
implicated in that as I’m the “innocent party”
One day, while praying, I was impressed by the Holy Spirit
that I shouldn’t be so judgemental towards him. We’ve grown apart during these
years and missed out each others life. Perhaps something dramatic had happened
in his life, that caused him to behave that way.
One night, while mum was talking to him, I joined in. To my
surprise, I was able to talk to him calmly. So calm that it didn’t feel like
me. I couldn’t believe it was me. The anger was gone and it’s filled with
gentleness. I think it’s the Holy Spirit speaking through me that night. It’s
the breakthrough in our communication. Thereafter, he was more receptive
towards me. In faith, I lend him some money on condition that
he would pay me back. I was afraid to trust him but the Holy spirit guide me to
take that step. He did keep his promise.
There were times when mum feedback that it seems that he’s
back to his old ways. I continued to claim on to God’s promise that my brother
will change for the better.I found that my brother had gone back to the jackpot
machines again. I sms him about it. He
denied that he did that and just say that he’s merely gone to withdraw money.
The next week, I saw that he had definitely gone back to his old ways as he
spends hundreds on a night of gaming. I am deeply saddened by it. I didn’t confront
him about it.
A few days later, I told mum about it. A few days later, she told
me that brother broke down and confided in her that he felt guilty for spending
so much on gaming and not using the money to repay her. However, she was
sceptical about his sincerity. I told her that it was a breakthrough that he
was finally repentant after all these time. It’s the 1st step towards recovery.He agreed to repay mum the loan which she helped him to pay 1st. For the 1st time, he took responsibility of the problem.Before that, he was just
always avoiding or denying the problem . Hallelujah!!
God is amazing! I didn’t know so many things had happened in
the background. Thank God for changing my brother’s heart and
also my attitude.
Even though I didn’t see things happening, God is working in
the background. Thank you, Father! Walk by faith and not by sight!
Sunday 6 July 2014
Seek
and you shall find
Before the new project commenced, I pray to God that it’s a
new project and hope I will just get a chance to run the project. I make a bold
move and tell my boss that I wanted to be in that project. It’s the 1st
time that I had the boldness to request for something in my career. I am not a
career minded person . I wouldn’t be
able to do it without you , Father. Amen.
6 months down the road, the project started and I got a position in the new team . It was very
taxing at 1st. I regretted a bit for having volunteered but I
persevered. 3 months later, my boss asked me to head the team. I was very happy
but at the same time afraid as I was unsure whether I am able to deal with all the situations at
work.
My colleagues now become my subordinates and it’s rather
awkward at times when I need to manage them. It was especially hard with the
older staff who had worked here longer than me and I was quite close to him as
he was sort of a mentor to me initially. He would not take people talking down
to him even if they were his supervisors . My bosses who were his ex-
supervisors feedback to me before they passed him to me. They had many clashes
with him especially during appraisals which escalated to the union. I was
therefore very concerned on how to manage this relationship. They tried to
teach me how to manage him but I had my doubts about their method . I thought a
soft approach would be more suitable for a stubborn staff . There were some
clashes during the subsequent appraisals when I took over but by God’s grace ,
it was never escalated to the union. I was also very touched that during one of
the appraisals , he shared that he felt that there’s a change in the management
style and for the 1st time,he felt that the team was like one big family.
When I subsequently decided to move on from that job, I was
touched that my female staff told me that she was very touched by the things
I’ve done for her. How I tried to fight with management for her to work flexi
hours due to family commitments. She didn’t want to stay too cos
she don’t have confidence in the new boss but she had confidence in me.
As a new manager, I am amazed at how I managed to learn
management with no formal training . I thank God for his grace and wisdom. I
have more confidence in being a leader now.
I didn’t get a breakthrough in my job search for 9 months . A
friend recommended that I go for a course . I decided to take a shot since I don’t
seem to be hearing from God.
There
was a lot of reflective questions during the course. I didn’t expect it to be more of a course for sales person though.I expect it be a
life coaching course. Since I had already paid for it , I shall sit
through day 1 and see whether I want to continue till day 3 or not. There was a
lot of moving around during the course but I don’t feel energised internally. My
spirit still feels down.
The
positive energy of the rest didn’t infect me…. Sigh.
Towards
the end of day 1 , the coach brought Eve to the stage and told us about her
problem . She happened to have the same problem as me ( when I had a panic
attack previously) ie fear of taking
public transport.
I
was reluctant to share my experience with the crowd initially but slowly i
began to feel Evon's pain and felt compelled to share my experience in order to
encourage her. I told her if I can do it so can she. The coach then performed
the ‘’ healing’ for her thereafter. The coach asked Eve to verbalise her fear
instead of shaking her head but she refused . The crowd shouted to support her
. But I felt that some were not genuine support but more of pressurising her to
comply with the coach so everyone could go home earlier. It was about 1 am .
I
was uncomfortable with some of the crowd's reaction and felt that it was cruel
of some to shout to pressure Eve into releasing her fear . Furthermore, certain
things taught in the class conflict with my christian values. Hence I
decided not to proceed with the course further.
A
few days later,I began to have a different view. I realised that I was
uncomfortable with feeling pain in my heart. It stems from the pain my mum
inflicted on me last year and just 2 months ago, I realised that I subconsciously
shut down my emotions when a sis in Christ prayed for me.
Previously I was a very emotional person .
Hence I cannot bear to see Evon's pain in the next few days. With awareness
comes positive change . Slowly, I was releasing my ability to feel again. I
have unlocked that part of me that I shut down subconsciously . I thank the
Lord for divine appointment . a secular course was used as part of my healing. Unexpected
ways of the Lord again. Christ is amazing.
ps:
names have to change to protect the privacy of the people involved.
Wednesday 11 June 2014
Do you want to experience God's amazing grace ? If yes, click on below
Even though I have been a believer for a few years, I never knew God the way I did till recently . It happened to be the one of the valleys in my life . It got so low that I was tempted to give up on God since He seems to have disappeared from my life. Why are all the doors closed? what have I done to deserve this ? I was crying that if I chose to leave God in the
end as I need to survive and He seems to be not helping me. I was crying as I
felt attached to him and things has to end in ?divorce' . I was crying as I
have to go back to days without Him and how will that be?
I resigned in Jul 2013 without a job.
I had a vision that a
house was torn down and rebuilt and I had peace to resign without a job so I
did. Little did I expect that things had changed since the last time I resigned
without a job. I cant even get temp or part time job in the meantime while i
await a perm job. All the options are closed . What will I see on the 1 year
anniversary compared to the last experience? The storm is bigger than what i
expect . its a tsunami that's drowning me and I don’t see His hands stretched
out for me ...
It doesn’t help that on the home front , I have issues too .
I harboured bitterness and unforgiveness towards my mum for her favouritism
towards my brother though I make the most contribution to the family throughout
the years. That’s a whole lot of bitterness built up over the 30 over years
that I’ve lived. Where is the justice and fairness in this, God ?!! Didn’t you
said you will be fair to me, God but where are you in this ? : I cried out to
Him in desperation from my heartwrenching soul.
It doesn’t help that I cant ‘hear’ from God compared to
previously. I don’t know why he’s ‘silent’ ? Fellow Christians advised me to
meditate on His Word. I tried but nothing ‘pop’out at me . They are just words
, I don’t feel His comfort at all. I’ve
never felt so stuck before ; I pray , I read the bible, people pray for me but
nothing helps. I’m so stuck , who can help ? The many human voices offering
different advice are very confusing . hm I figure out that if humans cant solve
my problem then surely God can . I decided that I should go for a personal
retreat from God (since he can solve All problems) and hear from nobody but Him
alone.
During my retreat , I heard many sermons from pastors who
preached grace and I feel myself lifted up and my doubts about God are cleared.
I am reminded of His goodness . I especially feel assured when a sermon said
that even when you doubt God, he wont leave you .
After Jesus rose again, he went out to meet not the
most faithful disciple but rather the one who had doubt about him 1st.
Your doubt will draw Him close to you and not away. It was a wow moment for me.
Wow God’s love is really different from human . His love is unconditional.
A fellow Christian prayed for me and told me I need to
surrender my heart to God. It dawned on me that my heart is ‘locked up’ and
that is why I cant feel God’s love. I was so hurt by mum that I told myself to
stop feeling and my heart just ‘locked up ‘ .
I prayed to be able to feel again so that I can connect with God .
That’s how I fall in love with Him initially when I chose to be baptised few
years ago. I recall how I connect with Him. So I prayed and found some awesome
revelations.
I am so touched that he accepts me as I am even my emotional
side when some good friends view emotions as weakness. But God didn’t, he
created me this way and that’s how I relate to him . I feel his love and not ‘
think’ his love. For the 1st time, I have a revelation that he
really knows me before he created me in my mum’s womb.
He also tells me in a gentle voice that I was seeking mum’s
approval though I am doing things for her reluctantly so that mum would stop her unreasonable requests .I
thought I am just doing all those things to make her shut up. He did not scold nor condemn me of my
unforgiveness towards mum. He understands my pain and would give me time to
work it through. Such gentle and kind is His love. For the 1st time
,I have a revelation that if you realise that how much you’ve been forgiven
then you will forgive others. I was very touched and cried and cried…. Tears of
joy and revelation. I was finally able to forgive mum cos He did not condemn me
and forgave me for my great sin.
I am so amazed that the process was as such. God amazed me
yet again.
God also wants to correct my self righteousness that I can
also have a big sin in my life ie unforgiveness towards mum. No matter how hard
to try I just cant get to the forgiveness part .I am powerless over sin though
I usually have good self control.
I also do have a dark side that I cant control just like
someone who has an addiction problem. Now in my spirit, I truly understand his
Amazing grace and his love that surpasses human understanding. Ive very touched
, even when I have unforgiveness and even when I was closed to throw Jesus
away, he did not let me go.
Once you get to know God and his amazing grace , you just
cant walk away and be the same person again. You are transformed.
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