Even though I have been a believer for a few years, I never knew God the way I did till recently . It happened to be the one of the valleys in my life . It got so low that I was tempted to give up on God since He seems to have disappeared from my life. Why are all the doors closed? what have I done to deserve this ?

I was crying that if I chose to leave God in the end as I need to survive and He seems to be not helping me. I was crying as I felt attached to him and things has to end in ?divorce' . I was crying as I have to go back to days without Him and how will that be?

I resigned in Jul 2013 without a job.

 I had a vision that a house was torn down and rebuilt and I had peace to resign without a job so I did. Little did I expect that things had changed since the last time I resigned without a job. I cant even get temp or part time job in the meantime while i await a perm job. All the options are closed . What will I see on the 1 year anniversary compared to the last experience? The storm is bigger than what i expect . its a tsunami that's drowning me and I don’t see His hands stretched out for me ...

It doesn’t help that on the home front , I have issues too . I harboured bitterness and unforgiveness towards my mum for her favouritism towards my brother though I make the most contribution to the family throughout the years. That’s a whole lot of bitterness built up over the 30 over years that I’ve lived. Where is the justice and fairness in this, God ?!! Didn’t you said you will be fair to me, God but where are you in this ? : I cried out to Him in desperation from my heartwrenching soul.

It doesn’t help that I cant ‘hear’ from God compared to previously. I don’t know why he’s ‘silent’ ? Fellow Christians advised me to meditate on His Word. I tried but nothing ‘pop’out at me . They are just words , I don’t feel His comfort at all.  I’ve never felt so stuck before ; I pray , I read the bible, people pray for me but nothing helps. I’m so stuck , who can help ? The many human voices offering different advice are very confusing . hm I figure out that if humans cant solve my problem then surely God can . I decided that I should go for a personal retreat from God (since he can solve All problems) and hear from nobody but Him alone.

During my retreat , I heard many sermons from pastors who preached grace and I feel myself lifted up and my doubts about God are cleared. I am reminded of His goodness . I especially feel assured when a sermon said that even when you doubt God, he wont leave you . 

After Jesus rose again, he went out to meet not the most faithful disciple but rather the one who had doubt about him 1^st. Your doubt will draw Him close to you and not away. It was a wow moment for me. Wow God’s love is really different from human . His love is unconditional.

A fellow Christian prayed for me and told me I need to surrender my heart to God. It dawned on me that my heart is ‘locked up’ and that is why I cant feel God’s love. I was so hurt by mum that I told myself to stop feeling and my heart just ‘locked up ‘ .  I prayed to be able to feel again so that I can connect with God . That’s how I fall in love with Him initially when I chose to be baptised few years ago. I recall how I connect with Him. So I prayed and found some awesome revelations.

I am so touched that he accepts me as I am even my emotional side when some good friends view emotions as weakness. But God didn’t, he created me this way and that’s how I relate to him . I feel his love and not ‘ think’ his love. For the 1^st time, I have a revelation that he really knows me before he created me in my mum’s womb.

He also tells me in a gentle voice that I was seeking mum’s approval though I am doing things for her reluctantly so that  mum would stop her unreasonable requests .I thought I am just doing all those things to make her shut up.  He did not scold nor condemn me of my unforgiveness towards mum. He understands my pain and would give me time to work it through. Such gentle and kind is His love. For the 1^st time ,I have a revelation that if you realise that how much you’ve been forgiven then you will forgive others. I was very touched and cried and cried…. Tears of joy and revelation. I was finally able to forgive mum cos He did not condemn me and forgave me for my great sin.

I am so amazed that the process was as such. God amazed me yet again.

God also wants to correct my self righteousness that I can also have a big sin in my life ie unforgiveness towards mum. No matter how hard to try I just cant get to the forgiveness part .I am powerless over sin though I usually have good self control.

 I also do have  a dark side that I cant control just like someone who has an addiction problem. Now in my spirit, I truly understand his Amazing grace and his love that surpasses human understanding. Ive very touched , even when I have unforgiveness and even when I was closed to throw Jesus away, he did not let me go.

Once you get to know God and his amazing grace , you just cant walk away and be the same person again. You are transformed.