New year new Hopes and DReams

 

1 Jan 2023

So glad that my menses finally resume, unexpectedly. OMG God you did it again.

When the gynae told me that my hormone level is so low and I’m having perimenopause . I felt that I’m given the death sentence prematurely.For months, on and off , my anxiety comes n goes…. Unsure whether its’ becos my hormones or anxious character which caused those dark thoughts that I will be lonely, aging, losing my dream of becoming a landlady. As the inflation worsen and I can’t meet my savings target, I adapt by reducing my target savings and trying to find a replacement dream perhaps get a annuity for retirement.

 

Perhaps, my menses resume is His reminder to me that I shall not give up my dreams no matter how crazy they are. Perhaps he had given those desires to me and not other people. He give me those desires then He shall give me the ability to fulfil them as well.

May He enlarge my territory so I am blessed to be a blessing. 

 

May He enlarge my territory so im blessed to be a blessing.

damn covid times

 

It’s the last term of my full time course and I started job search gain. Quite tired to start the process agn. Really hope that it’s the last job of my career  till the end. Many told me that age is a factor even a christian friend . Yes, it’s true in the secular world but  I recall that God makes all things possible and I felt that ninja lian is here again as she always is at the crucial moment. He will crash the ‘im’ in the impossible. Amazingly, it’s thru hearing that the facts that helps me recall that He had brought me through the mountains n out of the valleys. Hearing people with small dreams, makes me inner voice louder . My dream is not small like theirs n big dreams need God’s help to fulfil. ! They did not get as they want not.

 I’m frustrated that I tried to ask friends out but they always cancel last minute. I hate that I am to be the initiator and I feel tired.

Perhaps the covid times is like a squid game where all the selfish traits of people are exposed in their fight for survival. In some sense , I don’t blame them but how come I going to cope with the loneliness without external help. An extrovert… I feel so helpless. It become worse as I contacted the counselling centre and was told that I now need to go online to be assessed before in person session can be arranged.

 Double whammy I feel  .

 

I tried to adjust and adapt but things progressed and I’m tired of trying to change. Even though reading that others friendship are also affected by covid and I’m not alone. But my physical loneliness is still staring at my face on some days like a black abyss

  what else can I do ? I need a listening hear , can that be achieved by me solo? … again to balance myself , I go to the basic survival rule between me and God. Perhaps , I should not feel guilty like the squid game players to do some wrong things in order to survive. What shame is there? When I’ve tried and I want to live. What’s the value of high moral grounds and good person if the world doesn’t value? ..

In the JOB season.. what will the ending be like ?

 

It’s the day before my health check, horrifying I say !! plus the work stress , the no rewards of giant recharge by flying overseas, . strangely the anger towards God simmer, maybe due to exhaustion … the doubts, where is it too ? perhaps disappear also due to exhaustion.  God’s ways are higher than ours, yes I understd the theory . Surrender to Him, yes I understd the theory and we become like Him day to day. But where lies our uniqueness? He make us unique, doesn’t it. Maybe it’s my love for philosophy...

 I just felt that I’ve scarred from all the battles, the greatest scar of losing my beloved dad, scarred from battles at work and wrestle with God . now maybe my life is at stake.. I’ve reached the end of myself. Can’t even be bothered with the scars on my legs anymore since they will disappear and come back again. 

Am I in the Job trial?Is God just and righteous? the questions that raised in my mind. Some christians don't dare to ask and some offended that I dare to ask God but who cares. Makes me recall a quote that if you never doubt then you can't truly believe. 

 If God really knows me that well, then He will know that I wont respond like Job as we are different... 

1 or 2? which way 

 

when is the pain going to end, Lord

I am devastated that yet another clash with my new boss. just when i thought things are getting better then it went south. 2nd time in the same industry. looks like  I am not suitable to work there. perhaps I hear my calling wrongly? I wanted to help those in pain get healed or move on faster but  I have so much obstacles in front and I am exhausted.

my 1st melt down was when the nation announced a curfew for a month but it's later extended for another month. it's very difficult for me as an extrovert and I'm living alone. double whammy, I say.

My 1st setback is for the 1st time in my life. I was told that my probation was extended. I don't agree that it's due to miscommunication or the inferior complexity of my new boss who had poisoned the director's impression of me. 

Even i had doubts  about GoD,I decided that if i want a different outcome then I need to do something differently from the last time. Things did turn out differently. I thought i had issues with male boss just like what happen in my last job but i thought no harm trying since it's very difficult to switch industry in this season and i hope to be able to help my family whose industry are affected by the downturn.    Months later, they did confirmed me.I felt relieved but not joyful....but thankful. 

The next wave came, that i had a lump on my body and need to go for more checks. I've always tried to eat healthily and maintain a healthy lifestyle but this news was shocking to me. I had a rage and disappointment that was unprecedented before. it's been more than a week and i can't seem to chase the grey cloud above me go away. it's hovering around me . i still have unfulfilled dreams . I've given a lot in my job helping people , including my family too.

I then heard that my sister's debtors has finally catch up with her. They will sue her in my birthday month. That's when my health check is too.I am appalled to hear that sister told me that brother's response to her on her pending court case is that you have a low life, just go in and serve your sentence.what about him and his destructive lifestyle ? who is he to judge when he is the scumbag? my rage surge again. where is the justice? why the bad people get to gloat over people's misfortune? 

   is this the values our parents have taught us over the years? they taught us the same thing but how come the other 2 turn out like that ?  

maybe this is a test i would not pass. I'm exhausted and  the doubts return and its getting stronger. Seriously, if i dont protection from you, Lord then i've no choice but to depend on myself. I'm not sorry as my language of love is acts of service. I want the restoration in joy and love and family life since my parents passed away 2 years ago. where is it? 

May I know that indeed His grace is sufficient for all the thorns in my life. ??!!.......

Only the Lord can deliver you from all fears.

Sharing my journey n hope it will encourage some. Don’t ever give up! Sunshine is ahead

About 1.5 years ago , my mum passed away . I suddenly need to step up my role as the ‘ woman of the house ‘ n care for my sick dad . I learned cooking for his sake . During that time , my new house came n I was busy renovating too. I used to work in a hospital but when mum passed away , I dislike hearing the word ‘ death’ but I had no choice due to my work . I struggle intensely but I persevered till my ex boss said my work performance slipped n give me an ultimatum. I was disappointed n exhausted so I left without a job as my dad’s condition worsen . I became a full time caregiver. Little do I know the storm was bigger ahead .

 I struggled more as my fears intensified as my daily fear that my beloved dad may die in front of me overwhelmed n tormented me . Plus fears of my provision n also my bro was not supportive n had been verbally abusive ( one occasion of threaten physical abuse) towards me .he thinks that he did a better job of caring for dad as a part time caregiver versus me , a full time caregiver. He did not  fully understand the stress of a full time caregiver n drove me out of dad’s house. I stayed there to care for dad despite I feared my own safety . He passed away few months ago n I moved to my new house.

I opted for counselling as I feared my mental health may suffer . There were days when I was grieving over both parents together plus my fear of no perm job  n felt like dying . It was hell n I just wanted to get out of the darkness .I did not know that I got no time to grieve over mum previously as I was too busy working n caring for dad . When I left without a job , it was like payback ‘ time to grieve . I feared the darkness of grief n feared I lose my mind..Also after dad passed on , my brother took all dad’s cash n refuse to give me my share ( dad has no will ) he don’t think I did a good job to care for dad but the truth is that he used that as an excuse to pay for his own debt .n my fav aunt betrayed me too n seems to want a share in dad’s assets too .I was devastated but did not give up as I don’t bow down to enemies n believed that my parents wants me to live a good life n not sink in depression. 

Recently, the Lord restored me with a perm job that give me an very  good increment . I would need to work another 3 year in my ex org to get to that level . He had given me justice when my ex boss did not appreciate n promoted me. He had sustained n delivered me from all my fears .I am thankful to my pastor from new creation church for preaching His grace . Though I had doubts on some days ,the Lord showed up n delivered me from evil days n have a good n safe landing . My counsellor also said I’m stable to manage on my own too . It’s so good to be able to breathe ‘ better now n see more joy. 

A New Beginning 

I got a job offer before my long trip . I'm suppose to be happy but… though the monthly pay is higher , the annual package is lower. Is this your idea of abundant , Lord? I disagree respectfully. I’ve endure a lot of unfairness this season but I’m not taking it anymore. I wont swallow any SHIT anymore!!

Virtually every area of my life is broken ( my parents died, no perm job, betrayal from family over assets) including my eye sight and knees now. I don’t know why the supply of the part time job stop then the perm job interviews come and the job offer . but I wont accept a lousy offer. Where is the restoration? I won’t accept more subtraction. It’’s enough . I tried to depend on you but if you are like other fair weather friends, I’ve no choice but to switch to depend on myself.

My part time job income is dwindling 2 weeks before my trip. I had enough of cutting expenses. There is only so much I can cut . After a while, it becomes meaningless. I told the Lord, if you don’t give me a husband then you need to give me a job to support myself and my dream ( ie travel around the world) .

My overseas trip had never been so eventful. It started with my boots soles came off at the Dubai airport, then my luggage lock malfunctioned on the 1^st day of my trip. Amazingly, in the midst of my extreme tiredness , I managed to think of a super cheap way to resolve the shoes issue. I wore my socks over my boots so that the soles can stay intact. It lasted 2 days then I was able to buy another pair of cheap boots( S$20+) at the mall near my hotel in Russia. Next, my room’s toilet flash was not working and the staff made me waited for an hour to inform that they may change my room tomo morning. The next morning, I was pushed from one restaurant to another for my complimentary breakfast. I broked down and shouted at the reception staff. No one gave me clear instructions that I need to produce the voucher instead of the room key.

The recruiter suddenly came back with a better offer. At least, it’s very close to my last annual renumeration. Before my flight, I told her that I will reply her whenever I have access to wifi.I was still sitting on the fence and had to focus on what my counsellor on what is important to me in my career. 2 of the factors are still unknown but I’ve to decide whether to take the leap or not ? I realised that I must find meaning in the job for me to stay there longer. Hence, it’s a plus for this industry who made me the job offer. There was no clear direction from God.

I accepted the job offer out of exhaustion , my 1^st thought. Not the best reason , Lord but I’ve tired of attending interviews. Too many before my trip zz. After I returned home, I suddenly realised that their offer had built my last drawn monthly allowance into the basic salary. Wow how did that happen? God’s grace. I need to work extra 3 years in my last organisation to get to that level. That’s restoration Lord! Part of me is unhappy that my ex boss did not appreciate by  promoting me. Most people get promoted after 2-3 years but mine was overdue.

I am thankful for the victory but it’s not easy as I need to consciously rest in the Lord. He did deliver.

where is the saviour?

I started taking holy com on behalf of dad hoping that will be a breakthrough in his illness but sadly and disappointedly, it did not come and it became worse. Strangely, i had some breakthrough in the revelation of the Lord's love though.. However, it still is not enough for me to survive this season. Being without a perm job and a caregiver to dad, it's a lot to take in. This time round, not even my church can provide the support. A church counsellor who left me feeling uncomfortable then a ministry member who said I need to get dad's confirmation in order they can visit him and pray. How to do that when my dad's mood change  as his sickness progress? Furthermore, his cognitive ability looks on the decline due to the medication. To think that the church preach on no fear of man and yet they fear that there may be prosecution from my non believer family member as they had bad experiences from other cases they hand handled. Do you practise what you preached?


There is only so much that encouragement from friends can carry me. I still have to walk and handle the daily tasks myself.The exhaustion from care giving and handling dispute with family over dad's care had left me little energy for job search and my finances are dwindling.  Lord where  are you? Where is the promise that  'you shall not let me bear more than i could take? " where is the promise that your perfect love cast out all fear'?  last night , dad was so restless and kept on asking me to hug him that i feared that he died in my arms.He grieved the loss of his independence from the weakness of his legs , his hands jerking to not being able to think clearly. I grieved with him. Where is the strong dad who can fix all my problems? what will happen to me when he's gone? I felt deep sadness beyond words and for once, I understood when some told me that it's so painful that they prefer to drink themselves 'dead' . I am seriously tempted. Maybe for once, i will do destructive things to numb the pain. Anything to drain it , to remove it.


Lord, since even your 'generals' in the church can't fix the issue then would you turn up personally to help me fix it? ... i'm at the stage where it's great if i get extra help but it's ok if people don't help me. Lord are you like the rest?