I started taking holy com on behalf of dad hoping that will be a breakthrough in his illness but sadly and disappointedly, it did not come and it became worse. Strangely, i had some breakthrough in the revelation of the Lord's love though.. However, it still is not enough for me to survive this season. Being without a perm job and a caregiver to dad, it's a lot to take in. This time round, not even my church can provide the support. A church counsellor who left me feeling uncomfortable then a ministry member who said I need to get dad's confirmation in order they can visit him and pray. How to do that when my dad's mood change as his sickness progress? Furthermore, his cognitive ability looks on the decline due to the medication. To think that the church preach on no fear of man and yet they fear that there may be prosecution from my non believer family member as they had bad experiences from other cases they hand handled. Do you practise what you preached?
There is only so much that encouragement from friends can carry me. I still have to walk and handle the daily tasks myself.The exhaustion from care giving and handling dispute with family over dad's care had left me little energy for job search and my finances are dwindling. Lord where are you? Where is the promise that 'you shall not let me bear more than i could take? " where is the promise that your perfect love cast out all fear'? last night , dad was so restless and kept on asking me to hug him that i feared that he died in my arms.He grieved the loss of his independence from the weakness of his legs , his hands jerking to not being able to think clearly. I grieved with him. Where is the strong dad who can fix all my problems? what will happen to me when he's gone? I felt deep sadness beyond words and for once, I understood when some told me that it's so painful that they prefer to drink themselves 'dead' . I am seriously tempted. Maybe for once, i will do destructive things to numb the pain. Anything to drain it , to remove it.
Lord, since even your 'generals' in the church can't fix the issue then would you turn up personally to help me fix it? ... i'm at the stage where it's great if i get extra help but it's ok if people don't help me. Lord are you like the rest?
