Grief affects people in different ways.
It makes my heart ache to see my once strong dad
growing more frail each day. Alas the sting of aging. During the Chinese New
year, I suddenly have the idea to do a new year décor together with dad. I can
see that he no longer can do certain task. It saddens me greatly but I’ve to maintain
a happy exterior and continue to encourage him. I wept at night in my bed thinking about it.
I suddenly had a pain in my sole
while doing the spring cleaning. Despite that
I endured and tried to finish as much as I could. Previously when my mum
was around, together with dad, we would do the spring cleaning and shopping.
Now I’m doing it all alone and to make things worse, I had pain and suffering
from exhaustion. I did not get any appreciation from my family. Worse still,
all I get was condemnation and accusation from my brother when I suddenly lost
my cool towards dad due to exhaustion. It’s tough to be a full time caregiver
and the outsiders think that it’s a walk in the park. He also accused me of
leeching on the family for free meals when I moved back to care and spend time
for dad. I do not like people who take me for granted and are unappreciative. Hence
I resolved to find a part time job while being a caregiver. I also hope to get
a perm job soon though I comflicted as I wish to spend time with dad who seems
to grow weaker.
Mum passed away 9 months ago. I’m
still looking at ‘’death’now as seeing my dad growing weaker each day due to
his illness pains me. I was upset that when I see my friends family picture
during the lunar year gathering, they always have additions in their family but
how come there is only subtraction from mine. God, What have I done to deserve
this? Then I started to compare myself and Job . why has Job suffering in the
bible only lasted few months while mine is longer than mine. I don’t know how
Job comes out of the trial and said he still believed that God is goodness and
mercy. I honestly am very challenged at this moment. Will I pass the test like
Job need? Then a sister in Christ told
me why was I compare myself with Job and stress myself whether I will pass the
test or not? It sets me thinking and my knot loosen a bit. Just be myself and
stop pondering on whether I passed the test or not. Take a step at a time.
I also tried to get support from
my cell group leader but think I may have shared too much and he seem to lose
his patience recently. I was crashed as all the men I met this season of my life are disappointing
and unsupportive. So my cell group leader who was able to support me last
season can also fail…. All these events make my heart ache strongly which
reminded me of my breakup with my 1st boyfriend. On those valley moments, I prayed and hope
that I have a life partner who could just hold me in his arms/ holding my hands
and tell me that he will always be there
for me and everything will be ok. But this prayer reminds unanswered for years.
In those dark days, I felt like disciple Paul who said that he hoped that God can take away the torn in his flesh. The
reply is “ My grace is sufficient for you’ …But what about that ‘ You will not
make us bear more than I could take’ verse? I felt that I’m breaking down in
many areas and on the verge of mental meltdown. I’ve to fight off the ‘pharisees’
in my life to maintain my sound mind and self care.
Dad was in and out of the
hospital few times due to his heart condition since the 3rd day of
Lunar Year. It’s physically and mentally tired. What drains me more is the
family dyamics…much as I tried, more cracks were appearing as the legalistic
humans take me for granted. I’ve to set up healthy boundaries.
It’s strange how grief
affects my views in other areas of my life. I suddenly think that maybe it’s better for me
to be single so I wont need to witness my future spouse wither away like a
flower. Maybe I should marry someone younger so I will die 1st and
won’t need to go through the pain of losing a loved one again. My friend, on the
other hand suddenly had the urge to retake her legal course so that she may
complete her late father’s dream to be a full fledged lawyer. Such different
reactions.
Abba Father, will I still believe
in you regardless of the outcome of my dad? I went for church counselling and
it did help me to zoom in the root cause.I’ve started meditating on the bible
verse that speaks to me on that area for few weeks already. It seems to help
but no significant breakthrough yet. How will our relationship end, Lord?
