Ironically, life becames 'harder'the longer one became a believer. Yes, it will be the case for most relationship as one becomes more familiar with your friend's habits, the relationship will reach a more comfortable level. I thought I've passed a number of tests that the Lord had posed to me but however, the tests seems to get harder and harder. Recently, my cross weighs too heavy and there are many days when I felt I can't '' carry 'it and 'walk' further.
I thank God for moulding me to be less anxious about uncertainty over the years . However, embracing uncertainty is not natural to me. I am thankful that my career door was suddenly shut recently. I felt so relieved and happy( unlike the last episode with the ex boss from hell) that my burden was lightened. K did not have compassion which I thought should be the key trait given the industry we were in. Since, my mum passed away months ago, I struggled dealing with deceased cases as it always rub salt on my wound when I heard others describe about their beloved family death. But nevertheless, I continued to do my job professionally despite the pain and grief. Despite my efforts, K felt I did not put in my best and gave me the ultimatum recently. Many days, I asked myself how long I need to work under such an uninspiring boss? My dad was unwell and I became the caregiver since mum 's demise and it's become more challenging to squeeze time for job search. Alas... I'm glad that God shut the door that he opened for me ( I did not applied for this job).
Despite the office politics and it was not a great place to work in unlike my last stay with the non profit organisation, I'm thankful to have learned new things like learning how to manage and survive the 'interior' bitches haahh ( I'm blessed that I've never met such colleague in my career previously). The job supplied me with the funds for my new house and furnishings. K only talked to me after I've collected my bonus and the renovation was 'secretly' completed. yeh!
I thought I could have a breather after I tendered . Alas, I was told that dad's condition had worsen. it pains me greatly to see him that he is losing weight despite my home cooked food. I have not seen my dad cried before except recently and it pains me to see a man's man cry.He would have to start on more aggressive treatment soon.. when can i go for my trips again?. I'm torn between my passion for travelling and caregiving.
It’s one thing to face the death of mum months ago and another to face yet another pending bad news of my dad. It felt like my wound has not healed yet and it’s gonna get cut deeper again . I can only give grace to those Pharisees in my life provided that I receive it from the Lord.(i'm glad I don't have to deal with the pharisees at work anymore)'but other pharisees still exists in my life circle... I no longer dwell on the why this happened to me ?( guess that's improvement since my last angry and fustrated response toward God in the last grey season) the last round I’m sick of begging God to extend dad’s life. I’m sick of begging anyone for help . Perhaps u are just like the rest of the guys I’ve met this season . One more does not make a difference 
My biggest question is that I may leave church permanently this time if He didn't save dad and he passed away . How can the God of mercy take away my parent one after the other? I want my dad to have a different outcome from mum..
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