cross roads again

Ironically, life becames 'harder'the longer one became a believer. Yes, it will be the case for most relationship as one becomes more familiar with your friend's  habits, the relationship will reach a more comfortable level. I thought I've passed a number of tests that the Lord  had posed to me but however, the tests seems to get harder and harder. Recently, my cross weighs too heavy and there are many days when I felt I can't '' carry 'it and 'walk' further.

I thank God for moulding me to be less anxious about uncertainty over the years . However, embracing uncertainty is not natural to me. I am thankful that my career door was suddenly shut recently. I felt so relieved and happy( unlike the last episode with the ex boss from hell)  that my burden was lightened. K did not have compassion which I  thought should be the key trait given the industry we were in. Since, my mum passed away  months ago, I struggled dealing with deceased cases as it always rub salt on my wound when I heard others describe about their beloved family death. But nevertheless, I continued to do my job professionally  despite the pain and grief. Despite my efforts, K felt I did not put in my best and gave me the ultimatum  recently. Many days, I asked myself how long I need to work under such an uninspiring  boss? My dad was unwell and I became the caregiver since mum 's demise and it's become more challenging to squeeze time for job search. Alas... I'm glad that God shut the door that he opened for me ( I did not applied for this job).

Despite the office politics and it was not a great place to work in unlike my last stay with the non profit organisation, I'm thankful to have learned new things like learning how to manage and survive  the 'interior' bitches haahh  ( I'm blessed that I've never met such colleague in my career previously). The job supplied me with the funds for my new house and furnishings. K only talked to me after I've collected my bonus and the renovation was 'secretly' completed. yeh!

I thought I could have  a breather after I tendered . Alas, I was told that dad's condition had worsen. it pains me greatly to see him that he is losing weight despite my home cooked food. I have not seen my dad cried before except recently and it pains me to see a man's man cry.He would have to start on more aggressive treatment soon.. when can i go for my trips again?. I'm torn between my passion for travelling and caregiving.

It’s one thing to face the death of mum months ago and another to face yet another pending bad news of my dad. It felt like my wound has not healed yet and  it’s gonna get cut deeper again . I can only give grace to those Pharisees in my life provided that I receive it from the Lord.(i'm glad I don't have to deal with the pharisees at work anymore)'but other pharisees still exists in my life circle...  I no longer dwell on the why this happened to me ?( guess that's improvement since my last angry and fustrated response  toward God in the last grey season) the last round I’m sick of begging God to extend dad’s life. I’m sick of begging anyone for help . Perhaps u are just like the rest of the guys I’ve met this season . One more does not make a difference 

My biggest question is that I may leave church permanently this time if He didn't save dad and he passed away . How can the God of mercy take away my parent one after the other? I want my dad to have a different outcome from mum..

I

is the God of Isreal good or evil?

I thk life as a Christian gets harder the closer or longer you walk with the Lord. Dad was diagnosed with critical illness months ago and mum suddenly passed away last week . We were very focused on dad’s treatment that time and may have neglected mum. I did noticed she was losing appetite and weight. She frequently said that she was worried about dad so I thought it’s an anxiety issue. We tried to encourage her to eat more and she need  to let go and she needs to take care of herself so that she can care for dad. Despite that her condition did not improve. She went to see a specialist 3 months ago but her shortness of breath worsen and lose of appetite did not improve . 

A week before she passed away , I found that her face looked very yellowish and insisted that she be admitted to hospital right away. As usual , she was very resistant but this time , I told her no matter wat,we are carrying her into the hospital by hook or by crook. My instinct was right,she was admitted to the intensive care unit a few hours after admission for closer monitoring.thankfully she was conscious during her stay in icu and can understand us when we talked to her. She improved for a couple of days. On thurs, I felt that her body feels cold when we left home . I also prayed for her healing and the Lord shalom to be upon her but the next morn, I got a call that the Doctors are trying to resuscitate her . When dad and me reached the ward , she had already passed on. 

Why Lord ? I was angry and disappointed. Why didn’t you heal her like you did to those people in the bible ? She didn’t even had a chance to get to know you! 

There are 2 upcoming time bombs that may increase my financial burden and I honestly do not know how can I handle it? It’s  huge ... more importantly , I want to complete my dream and vision, Lord u hear the desires of my heart didn’t you?!

Indeed the path get narrower n not many will stay with Him till the last days. I’m feeling the heat of The intense prosecution .The greatest I’ve had so far and I can’t see what's the next step ahead. Another time bomb exploded yet again today.

Yes you are the God that give me many things but you seem to take away more. What are you ? are you mercy and grace? are you a great pretender? 

There's no point in me feeling angry as I know I can't stop your Will which overrides everything. It will just make my health suffer. Perhaps this time there is no turning back once I decided that it's best i spend whatever time I have to do what my heart desires. What's the point in me sacrificing so much in many areas of my life? yes, you could take away my breath in a second and I seriously don't fear. I can only say that i made yet another mistake to believe you just like how some had betrayed/ take me for granted. That's ok since I'm human and I made mistakes so I pay for them. 

If this is outcome I get for trusting you, Lord. I shall repay those who repay evil for kindness the same way that I humanly can. I am not a saint. I do not need to worship anyone anymore. 

Perhaps there will be just one and only vision that i get from you which i do not comprehend since 2 years + ago. The only one which did not come to pass. It's ok , I can deal with that. I can dream new dreams. I don't bow down to those who deliberately make my life hell. If you really created me, Lord then you would know what another ''rock'' doesn't smoothen my ''rock'', it just makes it sharper!

It’s the 1^st day of 2018. My world is still a shade of grey and black. when will I reach the end of the tunnel?

My church said that 2017 is the year of the Jubilee, hence I was full of expectation. But from Jan till Dec 2017, all I saw was wave and wave of attacks, bad news channel. I wish I can change the channel . I also kept on asking God hey where is my Jubilee present, Lord? Days just flew by and there seems to be no ‘rainbow’in sight. I have already tried my best and stretched it, what more do you want ? I tried to stay in peace and rest but the evil one would not let me rest. There is no rest in my career, family and romance.

My dad fell sick and I’m trying my best to juggle work and family. It doesn’t help that most of my  colleagues are unfeeling and 2 faced and would push things to me. I’ve learned that to survive, I’ve to repay them with the same lesson they taught me. On the romance part, things are not working out as I could not accept someone who has commitment and integrity issues. I thank God that I saw through the façade. He did not deserve me. I later met a very charismatic guy in Nov but he did not respond. Sigh for a while, I thought he was my Jubliee present ….Towards the end of 2017, I was told that dad’s medical bills may be very huge. It didn’t help that my siblings are bad paymasters due to bad lifestyle choice. How could I shoulder the he bill by myself? Its one thing for them to pay me later for a bill which costs few hundred dollars versus one which costs few thousand per month. Plus I also have other financial commitments too…bigger ones in 2018…

The spiritual walk definitely becomes harder over time. I thought my faith was stronger after the last trial. but when multiple attacks came together, I felt its coming apart. Sorry God’ Im not able to show grace nor mercy to those evil people who prosecute me for no good reason. If I don’t get the supply then I don’t have any supply to give. I’m only human.

Maybe the only thing is that I’m still alive and sane despite the craziness that’s happening around me . How will we end this time round? Maybe I will leave for good as I don’t know why you the loving Abba left me for no good reason ? I still need to survive no matter what and most important I hate people who don’t keep promise. That applies to you too, Lord. You  made me so You should know it too.